Deep Inside Morpheus Creation

confusion

erburr117@gmail.com — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 16:41:58 GMT

i just don't know what to do with myself

i wish i could be the type of person who knew what she wanted

i hate being so damn indecisive and thinking maybe i could do this, and then questioning that to the extent that i've convinced myself i dont want to do that anymore becasue i couldnt handle it

i used to be convinced that i was going to be a counselor or something involved in the field of psychology, then i convinced myself i was too emotional and sensitive to deal with other peoples problems as a living, so then i convinced myself that i was going to be an educator of some sort, and now everybody keeps telling me should go back into the psychology field!

it just gives me so much anxiety, i dont want to have to decide... i wish i was just like... almost forced into having to do something, it would be so much easier that way. mentally and financially.

actually, what i would want more than anything in the world.... To be a writer, a poet, an artist... to stay at home and never deal with the outside world, to create beauty and share it with others without ever having to show my face and speak to them. thats truly what i want to do.

i have been doing much better i school so i guess i should be proud of myself... i got an A on my criminology mid-term and on my paper, an A in my music class, and a B in my philosophy class... augh school talk is boring me

i wish i had someone to talk to you know... I do have my Christopher Doll, and for that i am thankful, but I really don't think he understands me in a way that he can communicate with me. He is so damn rational and doesnt understand how i can be completely irrational and rely on my feelings and intuitions about people and things to guide me through life. I don't know... i guess lately i have been feeling very emotionally vulnerable right now, longing to reach out with my soul and have his soul take hold of mine and surround it and protect it from the outside world... but i have a feeling that as much as i know he loves me, he can't commit like that, almost as if he doesnt completely trust me, no matter how much i devote to him, it will

im rambling

i have books and books written in my mind, the romantic that i am

they are etched into my brain
i have a million words to write, a million feelings to put metaphors and pictures to
a million colors longing to be painted

but my fingers don't want anyone to see.

i get so damn envious of those who know how to be heard, how to be seen, how to be known.

School

erburr117@gmail.com — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 15:40:51 GMT

holy shit

so where did September go?

i jsut realized that it has been like almost a month since i last posted and i didn't even realize

i work every day i don't go to school, i honestly don't remember the last time i actually had a day off to myself to just sit and breathe without having to worry or get anxiety over something.

it hasn't been that bad, it's just exhausting.

What's new... what's new

so after talking to my advisor during the whole orientation thing, she suggested that i take Social Science as a major instead of Psychology, because if i want to go into the graduate program for education it would probably be easier and look better if i majored in something that was educationally oriented, and with social science i could stil take a bunch of Psychology classes.
So for this term i'm taking, History of Ancient Philosophy, Criminology and Delinquency, Social Psychology, and Music Fundamentals (a requirement to get into the graduate program, even though its like learning the abc's for me... "how do we count a quarter note and an eighth note?" *bangs head on binder*)
But when i told my dad i think he had the same unease about switching my major... he told me that he didn't mind if i had to take extra classes and pay more money jsut to take Psychology as a major, because if i found out later that i didn't like teaching or if there were no jobs, that this way i could get into the Psychology graduate program since i had previously already gotten a major in it. So i think i might minor in social science so that i don't waste the credits im taking now, and change my major back to psychology, adn try to apply for financial aid to take a little bit of the burden off.

but speaking of which, its still like fuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkk me becasue my dad STILL hasn't gotten the money from my grandpa to pay for my tuition and books and im close to getting a talking to from my teachers :/

oi, this shit makes my head hurt.

the others have temporarily "moved" out *does a quick little dance* :D :D :D
apparently Jeff's dad has more money than he knows what to do with, so he bought a mansion in Texas and is living there for the winter, so Jeff and KAtie and the kids are housesitting during the time that they are gone... but what gets better (well, slightly) is since the kids go to school right done the street from where we live, they are going to be there during the day so that way they wont have to make as many trips back and forth... ergo, since they still have all thier stuff there and living there half the time, and watch t.v. and wash their clothes and take showers and pretty much everything except sleep there, they still have to pay their half of the bills, which means that me an chris wont get screwed with the money situation, AND i won't half to be stuck inside my bedroom all day... (for awhile there i was stuck in the room from the time i woke up till the time i went to sleep because THEY were ALWAYS downstairs)

*breathes*

mmmm that's all for now, i can't get on the internet much because i like spending time with Chris when we are both at home, and i never have any time to myself anymore, so i'm trying to get on before my first class starts when the school library isn't as full

much love and good thoughts for all of youse :)

erburr117@gmail.com — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 20:27:18 GMT

i just feel so dissapointed right now, guilty almost that i can't be everything i want to be or could be for everyone

I almost want to call my sister and chew her out
but i wont, as my dad said, its between him and her and he doesnt want me to have to be in the middle of it.
He was telling me that he is pretty much broke right now, he might have to sell the house they live in in the next year or two and... it breaks my heart. It really does, i wish so badly that there could be something i could do to make it easier on him, i wish i had a better job and made more money so i could help him out you know?
im so mad at my sister for blowing all her trust fund money on drugs and video games and all the food and living expenses for preston and johnny, and brandan, and whoever else decided to live with them for free and let her pay for everything... while she stopped making payments on her car that my dad cosigned and so he had to pay all the payments and HIS credit got screwed and now he is in the hole becasue she just didnt THINK or maybe didnt even care and its jsut NOT FAIR it makes me so angry and upset at the injustice. He has done so much for her and she cant do the simplest of things to make his life jsut a bit easier, and augh
i dont know
it literally hurts me, cause i love my dad and i love my sister but im just so scared for him and dissapointed and mad at her.

Nicole came over yesterday, and i had to practice some therapy on her and try to talk and reason her back into sanity. She sliced up her arm realllllllly bad and she was panic frozen into not being able to run some neessary errands and take care of herself, and so i took her to Rite aid to grab some first aid stuff for her arm and helped her clean it and bandage it and wrap it in gauze... augh it was so gross, i felt so bad for her, and then i took her to grab her prescriptions and stuff she needed for her apartment and herself and talked to her the entire time on jsut calming down, breathing, telling her that she cant cahnge the past but can at least change the future, trying to get her to stop looking at everything that needs to be done as a whole and jsut try and fix whats in front of her and to take steps and not leaps, to calm down and tell herself that its going to be ok, its going to be ok. Haha i think i drove her nuts cause everytime i told her it was going to be ok i would look at her and go "right?" and i wouldnt accept her answer until she would smile and nod and say "it is going to be ok, no matter what, its going to be ok"... so i think she took it to heart, she was crying on the phone the entire time she was driving to my place and for about a good hour after she arrived, but she left smiling and joking and so i think i at least provided some comfort and ease for her mind and body and so i guess i feel good about that. I don't know whether or not its going to last, and whether or not she forgot everything i told her as soon as she got home, but i can only have the best thoughts for her and send her as much god energy as i can, adn be there for her when she needs me, and hope that will be good.

augh

madness abounds.

i miss my Christopher.

erburr117@gmail.com — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 16:49:28 GMT

mmm today feels all weird and strange

i feel like i haven't completely woken up yet..

i had a dream that Nicole tried to rape me
and then i broke up with my ex boyfriend and went home to pack all my stuff and realized that it had already been moved to Chris's place... and Amanda was happy adn wearing colorful clothes and playing with her friends, and i remeber thinking how wonderful it was that she was still the same sweet beautiful Amanda, and not the depressed suicidal anorexic Amanda i somehow helped her into becoming...

i didnt really help but i provided and example and am still deeply dissapointed in myself.

everything was dark dark dark and not the way it was in real life

the others are downstairs and i am hungry. i want to eat before i go to work
but i dont want to go down when they do. im pretty much avoiding them at this point.

ill prolly pick something up on my way to work.

i have to call PLanned Parenthood. augh. i dont like being examined at all, but i need the horrible horrible pills. I hate taking pills of any kind.

erburr117@gmail.com — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 21:00:40 GMT

so i guess i got accepted to PSU

yey

i have to go through this stupid orientation thing which is going to last all day...
i have to admit that secretly i was hoping i wouldn't get accepted, now im going to have to travel to Portland almost every day every week for 2 years (except for vacation) and i don't know how that's going to work out for me. Just the one day of going there was enough to give me anxiety and make me wish i never had to go back there.
It's weird though, i used to go there every weekend with Ajah and Karie, Kathleen, Lacey, a bunch of people and it never gave me any problems then... We used to go hang out at Mother Earth Magick and the poster store and browse all the little Indian and new age boutiques and hang out for hours at the Saturday Market, go up to strangers at Pioneer Square and somehow find ourselves getting high and drinking cheap whisskey with them outside of punk shows..
and now... i get anxiety just on the max ride getting there.

but one good thing... i can't wait to get back into psychology classes... for some weird reason they don't consider elementary education a major so i ahve to take it as a minor and get to take psychology as a major :D :D :D

Me and Chris have been fighting pretty bad lately. i think we resolved it last night after another fight, and what kills me is that we always fight over something stupid, so fucking ridiculously stupid i can't even stand it.
Monday Chris was watching the Cowbyos preseason game that he recorded and so i was like "I'm going to call Brittany and see if she wants to hang out sometime this week" so i go upstairs and try calling her but she couldn't hear me cause my reception sucks in this house and i called her again to leave a voicemail so she knew who it was, Chris shows up and starts fucking with me and then tries to seduce me and im like "get the fuck off me! Im trying to talk to my sister, go back downstairs and ill be there in less than 5 mins and then we can watch some stand-up and Kenny vs. Spenny"... he gets all butthurt and tells me that there is no point in waiting for her to call because she never does and im wasting my time with her, and i get pissed off casue i wasn't waiting for her call, i was trying to call her again but he had my arms pinned and then it jsut goes nuts from there... i couldnt believe it and the whole night was just avoiding grenades the entire time, and i jsut completely lost it later, i started puling out my hair and biting and scratching him whever he tried to hold me and call me down, and hyperventilating, god i must have sobbed for an hour

I have a very very very bad temper, and i can only have the blame placed on me so many fucking times.

then yesterday we were doing good, but my parents wanted to hold a dinner thing tonight for me and my cousin as a little "off to college" dinner party thing, and after all they have done for the BOTH of us, i was like "sure, its the least i can do if this makes you happy" so i tell Chris we are going to dinner at my parents tonight and hes all like "ughghghgh" so i get hurt and call my parents and tell him he isn't coming, and i burst into tears becase im a melodramatic spazz and i felt guilty to Chris and my parents and myself, and i felt like i jsut couldn't do or say anything right, and im going to have to be away from him tonight (one of the first times in the +2years we've been together) and have to go face my family all alone... then he gets amd at me! and so we got over it and then argued about the night before and i think we resolved it. He accepted that he can be to agressive and i don't let him know whats going on in my head.
So hopefully this period of peace will last.

no wonder all the astrologers are weary of a Scorpio-Leo union.

too fucking passionate, intense, stubborn, hard-headed for our own goods.

I miss having friends. Karie wanted to hang out last week and go to a bar to celebrate our birthdays but i avoided it case i haven't seen her since me and Chris started dating and... i wouldn't know what the fuck to say to her. But i dunnos, maybe ill text her and see if she wants to do something next week when i get paid... i dunnos, i get anxiety thinking about it :/

blagh. piss on anxiety.

im gonna do some tests.

hahaha im a dork

You Are Right Brained in Love

When it comes to love, you go with your gut not with your head.
You have an open heart. You fall in love easily and get hurt just as easily.

You are spontaneous with relationships. You go with the flow and don't worry about the future.
You are romantic, empathetic, and caring. More than most people, you really love being in love.

Are You Right Brained or Left Brained in Love?

surprise surpriseeeeeeee... who didnt see that coming

You Should Teach Kindergarten

You are a warm, empathetic person who truly loves children. And children love you right back.
You have more patience than most, and you're able to let little things slide.

You are also expressive and fun. You have the perfect personality for reading aloud and leading art projects.
You are creative and inspiring. You can keep learning interesting, simple, and fun.

What Grade Should You Teach?

awww kids are so cute &hearts

You Are a Passionate Red Car

You are a wild and dramatic soul. You need a lot of freedom in your life.
You are special and singular. You have a unique take on life, and you're proud to be different.

You feel and love deeply. You experience every emotion vividly.
You have a lot of ups and downs in your life, but you find that exciting. You can't help but love the drama.

The Car Oracle

You Dance Through Life

Your journey through life is inspired, creative, and optimistic.
You are an engaging, positive person - and you're always looking for the possibilities in life.

You hope to motivate and uplift other people. You want to change the world in your own little way.
You are confident and expressive. You're happy with who you are, as unique and different as you might be.

How Do You Travel Through Life?

cool... i love dancing :D

Your Love Sign is Cancer

You are a sensitive, romantic soul. You are classically romantic.
When you fall in love, you take it very seriously. You want to be bonded to your soulmate.

You tend to hold on to relationships way past their expiration date. It's hard for you to let go.
You are the most loving of all types. You will go to great lengths to make your partner feel adored.

What's Your Love Sign?

mmm i always get cancer... :)

Your Love is Green

When you love someone, it's a very rational process. You love with your head first.
Love is all about fitting a person into your life. You can't love unless the situation is just right.

You are an ideal partner in romantic relationships. You try to be as caring, loyal, and forgiving as possible.
You take love seriously, and you don't give up on a commitment. You don't need a ring to stay with someone through thick and thin.

What Color Is Your Love?

me? rational? haha that's FUNNY... first part no, second part yes :)

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
im done

i dunnos what to do now. im bored.

Far Away,,,

erburr117@gmail.com — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 20:09:04 GMT

its weird...

for the past week or two i've been having to clean out my room at my parent's since my uncle is moving in it (augh... it gives me goosebumps, is it wrong to feel like he is going to desecrate what used to be my private sancturary away from the world with his porno addict thoughts??) augh

fucking gross... i don't want to judge, he's my uncle and he is family, but still...

i had to throw away soooooooooooo many papers that i had been keeping for years, almost 10 paper bags filled wiht random papers and drawings and notes that i never had the ability to part with before.. all gone gone gone now. I got rid of so mch stuff (except for my stuffed animals i wanted to give to my future children and old old books from the 50's that you can't find anywhere else).

im bored wiht that

uhm

me and Chris have been getting better again i suppose. I confessed to him what i saw and he seemed genuinely sorry about it, he said he looked only out of curiosity (bullshit but whatever) and he didnt even like it (im not fucking stupid) and he promised himself he would never look at it again... but now the internet and security thing is all screwed up and im trying to fix it up again...

He has been sweet though, he's pissed me off a little but i haven't gone to bed mad so that's good... i wish he could always be sweet and loving to me, sometimes i can't help but resent his strong Scorpio nature, though that is one of the reasons im so damn drawn to him
Linda Goodman knows whats up.

I've sort of stopped even caring about trying to be nice to Jeff and Katie. I managed for god, almost 8-9 months now and i jsut can't seem to manage my smile in their direction. I don't think anyone has managed to piss me off that much. I've stopped going downstairs so i won't have to see the mess, i've been lighting incense lately to overpower the smell of cigarettes that emnates from their room

im gonna stop. i can't stand them and i've given up on being nice. Im not going to be mean, but from now on all they are to me are jsut little mice that i would feel bad for killing, but still annoy the shit out of me.

i want to be beautiful again. I've been doing some yoga/pilates from a video i found in my old room... maybe Chris will think im as cute as i used to be, and maybe he'll stop making fun of me, and get as jealous as he used to.

i am colorblind

but i love all the colors

i want to feel paint on my skin, but all my paints have mysteriously dissapeared (glares at Katie and her children)... i want to draw and color it in but i have no images... i want to write but all the thoughts are directed against me

mmmmmmmmmmmm

i miss being surrounded by beauty

i can't wait to decorate our future apartment. and Chris will grow to love it hahaha, i've lived in his black and white world for too long... i need some color!

erburr117@gmail.com — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 22:31:58 GMT

i just have to get over myself sometimes

my back hurts

sorry for being such a melodramatic spazz

im better now

i promises :)

erburr117@gmail.com — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 17:24:57 GMT

i rode a train to a destination i had no idea of, and got to the end of the line and didnt know what to do from there

cut

i saw Danny's picture and thought that was who my boyfriend was, but when i tried to look at his face to make sure it matched Chris's it turned into a mirror but i couldn't even see my face

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

im stuck in dreamworld... nothing is real yet

sometimes i wish....unspoken

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i woke up and went out to the car to get an energy drink and i felt like i was in Arkansas again. 6-7 years old and its grey outside, cold but not Oregon cold. humid cold. Memories of body mist named freesia and lego doll houses in pastel colors... blankets fine and transparent of purple and blue covering thee windows and doorways and blue/green glass everywhere

men that only last for days

talk like boomhower from king of the hill

Snow White dark dark dark blood red

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i smoked away all my hopes and dreams. I didnt remember how i used to bead, how i was inspired by everything. its all gone gone gone

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Figurine is taking over in the absence of Emily.

erburr117@gmail.com — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 20:28:22 GMT

it hurts more than i thought it would to find out

im not entirely surprised

because its waht the majority of them do

yet i still sit here crying wasted tears

quiet, unknown tears that will flow into the well i've already cried for

them

they will never be seen by anyone and existence will remain unknown

just like everything else i feel deep deep deep down

ill smile and kiss

but my heart is bleeding.

Figurine wishes to live again.

I'm up in the clouds
I'm up in the clouds
And I can't and I can't come down

I can watch and not take part
Where I end and where you start
Where you, you left me alone
You left me alone

erburr117@gmail.com — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 20:03:46 GMT

i don't know what to say

i get scared sometimes

fear fisted in my stomach, making me want to cry or puke

im not leaving leaving, don't freak me out

im jsut not going to be able to be ....nice?

selfish

no reason in particular

just visions of things that i can never have

nostalgia lingers on my nerves.

erburr117@gmail.com — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 23:29:16 GMT

Mercurial
(Emotions, Relationships, Self-Control)
Life is a rollercoaster, insist you come along for the ride, yearn for experience, enduring to emotional weather changes.

Romantic attachment: Mercurial individuals must always be deeply involved in a romantic relationship with one person.

Intensity: They experience a passionate, focused attachment in all their relationships. Nothing that goes on between them and other people is trivial,nothing taken lightly.

Heart: They show what they feel. They are emotionally active and reactive. Mercurial types put their hearts into everything.

Unconstraint: They are uninhibited, spontaneous, fun-loving, and undaunted by risk.

Activity: Energy marks the Mercurial style. These individuals can stir others to activity.

Open mind: They are imaginative and curious, willing to experience and experiment with other cultures, roles, and value systems and to follow new paths.

Type Percent
Vigilant 64%
Solitary 43%
Idiosyncratic 67%
Adventurous 41%
Mercurial 75%
Dramatic 63%
Self - Confident 67%
Sensitive 50%
Devoted 33%
Concientous 56%
Leisurely 56%
Aggressive 13%
Self - Sacrificing 56%

just breathe..

erburr117@gmail.com — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 23:19:11 GMT

i don't know

i really don't

i think im doomed to walk through life confused... looking at the world through glasses that turn everything iridescent, so that i never know exactly what color or shade it really is, always seeing one color that turns into another color and turns into another color again

that's what my thoughts feel like sometimes.

i get a feeling about something... like being angry at someone and then i feel guilty about it so i turn it on myself and start thinking of all the things that i do wrong adn how i ruined the situation and how it really is just all my fault and then that brings up all the memories of what they did and its like a continuous cycle of me never knowing what i should feel or think, whether im right or wrong... its always just pepetual shades of grey.

I was thinking about myself and astrology today. In case none of you remember, i have only one planet in water (pluto in scorpio in 1st house) and one planet in earth (neptune in capricorn in 3rd house), i have six planets in fire, 2 in each fire sign with my sun/moon/ascendant/mercury/mars/venus all in masculine elements and signs (leo/aries/libra/gemini), all my dominant planets. and for some reason it got me started thinking about maybe thats why i was supposed to be born a boy, my energy was elementally masculine. All the old wives tricks on figuring out what a baby was before it was born pointed ot me being a boy, and i started thinking about how my name must have been an instinctualy like "omg we have to come up with a name quick for a girl". i guess i don't know why i started thinking that, its strange how one thought leads into another, and morphs into another and then the origin is forgotten partially.

my birthday was okay. i saw my sister for a bit and then hung out wiht my parents the rest of the night. i wanted to see Nicole but i didnt want to be rude to my parents and they had us there for 5 hours, i still havent gotten around to calling her though i know i should. Chris got drunk adn i had to be the designated driver by that point (funny considering it was my 21st)...
we went to the wedding on friday. it was alright, kinda boring but Christopher was beyond sweet to me and he has been for the most part all week and so i think we are getting better about understanding each other, hopefully hahhaha

I prayed like i never prayed before.
Saturday night me, Chris, Jay, and Brandy went to the bar to watch some UFC fight and got drunk and i left my i.d. there. i didnt even realize it till we finally got home around 11 and so Chris took me back to the bar to grab it and

augh it hurts to talk about it

he got pulled over coming back from it. the cops knew he was drunk driving and knew that he was still on probabtion for his DUI and i

god it hurt so bad, i've never been so scared for anyone in my entire life, not even when i was there when he got the DUI and i had to watch the cop handcuff him.
this time it was a million times intensified... he asked me to stay strong before he got out of the car to do the sobriety test and i stayed calm for the most part... i tried so hard to keep my breathing calm and refuse the universe to take him from me., i fucking refused it, and i jsut started praying to every god and every goddess' name i could think of and just begged them to not take him from me. he would have gone to jail for over 30 days and been in a shit load of trouble with both Washington and Oregon and i don't know what i would have done without him. I can't even sleep during the night if he isnt in bed with me, im so emotionally dependant on him.
I lost it though when i finally submitted to the sidedoor mirror and i saw the two cops talking to him and his hands were behind his back and i jsut lost it. Panic attack times infinty. Tears jsut streamed down my face and i started mewing and shaking all over and hyperventilating. it felt like my soul was being wrenched out of my very body.

but luckily the lady cop noticed that my it was the weekend of my 21st and that i was smashed and he told them the reason he was driving in the first place and so they let him go
and didnt even give him a ticket for the reason they pulled him over in the first place... a fucking california stop on a dead empty street at 11:30 at night... i couldnt beleive it, he got a DUI for a broken tailight, and almost went to jail for not coming to a complete stop.

augh. i've never felt so thankful before.

i can't speak. i can only write.

i love this icon. its from a scene in a movie called Dead Man
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYN_zirnk70&feature=related

Johnny Depp and William Blake = love

erburr117@gmail.com — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 21:19:40 GMT

1. Which book has been on your shelves the longest?
mmm depends, adult books it would be Flowers in the Attic by V.C. Andrews... i've had it since i was in the 3rd grade or so, childhood book would be either the Red Fairy Book (sooooooo many wonderful tales, one of my favorites The Golden Branch and Brother and Sister are in it ), the other one would probably be.. i can't remember the name but it was so incredibly beautiful, it had some weasles getting married and it was a poem about crows... oh well who knows

2. What is your current read, your last read and the book you’ll read next?
Last: Child of the Prophecy by Juliet Marillier
Next: im not sure... probably My Sweet Audrina for the zillionth time, its the time of year for it
Current: n/a i jsut finished my last one.

3. What book did everyone like and you hated?
most every popular book hahah no i dunnos, i've refused to read/watch Twilight.

4. Which book do you keep telling yourself you’ll read, but you probably won’t?
this is horrible, but i keep telling myself to read Wuthering Heights but i've never been able to get past the 1st chapter... that'll prolly be the next book i read :P

5. Which book are you saving for “retirement?”
tons of them... not that im saving them, jsut havent gotten around to getting them

6. Last page: read it first or wait till the end?
usually wait, unless its super long adn boring and i want to see if its worth continuing to read... gives me somethign to look forward to :P

7. Acknowledgements: waste of ink and paper or interesting aside?
depends.

8. Which book character would you switch places with?
im not sure... most of my books have really hard lives for most of the characters

9. Do you have a book that reminds you of something specific in your life (a person, a place, a time)?
many books... reading the His Dark Materials series when i got suspended, V.C. Andrews when visiting my mom when i was in grade school and had nothing else to read (prolyl part of the reason my mind is so weird), FLB when i was a drug addicted depressed suicidal teenager (i don't know what i would ahve done without her)... mmm i can list so many of them

10. Name a book you acquired in some interesting way.
mmm i remember being in detention and i had nothing to do and so the teacher was like "read some of my super lame books" and i decided to give Ender's Game by Orson SCott Card a try and i looooooved it.

11. Have you ever given away a book for a special reason to a special person?
i gave Karie all my V.C. Andrews, and Nicole a bunch of my FLB's becuase neither of them liked reading and i refused to let them go through life without some beauty, and they love it :)

12. Which book has been with you to the most places?
mmm hard to see really... most of them i've taken everywhere.. but im going to say Flowers in teh Attic or Season of Passage

13. Any “required reading” you hated in high school that wasn’t so bad ten years later?
i remember reading To Kill a Mockingbird in my 7th grade class and the teacher wanted us to read it aloud so it totally got slaughtered in my mind and i've refused to read it since, though i know its a really good book... uhm

14. What is the strangest item you’ve ever found in a book?
i dunnos... i'v found many random pieces of general information about someone in the library books

15. Used or brand new?
i don't realyl care honestly... there is something so endearing about a used book with its spine covered in winkles from being held open so long, the smell of older pages... but i also like new shit so i really dont mind.

16. Stephen King: Literary genius or opiate of the masses?
i've read some of his earlier books.. but they make me sleepy, i lvoe his ideas i think hes got some really interesting shit to read but i hate his style of writing.

17. Have you ever seen a movie you liked better than the book?
hah yes. Many movies i never really had the inclination to read in book form like Charlie and the Chocolate factory... i remember i LOVED The Shining, but i mean... Stanley Kubrick was genius and the book was good but Stephen King is so damn long-winded for my tastes... a bunch of movies really

18. Conversely, which book should NEVER have been introduced to celluloid?
there's been so many books i was excited to see on screen but was throughly dissapointed in... Flowers in the Attic for one, TOTALLY did not do justice to the book, though, one of these days i wish i could see a well done version of the whole saga...

19. Have you ever read a book that's made you hungry, cookbooks being excluded from this question?
mmm i dunnos

20. Who is the person whose book advice you’ll always take?
Francesca Lia Block's heroines always have good advice in a way... its all about loving yourself and beleieving that you are a beautiful girl who deserves all the poetry and beauty in the world.

"No book is really worth reading at age of ten which is not equally (and often far more) worth reading at the age of fifty...Those of us who are blamed when old for reading childish books were blamed when children for reading books too old for us. No reader worth his salt trots along in obedience to a timetable."
--C.S. Lewis
aughghhghg i love this quote

You Are Intuitive

You are very sharp and shrewd. You can see the best and worst sides of people.

Right now, you are seeking peace and tranquility in your life.

You are drawn to people who are philosophical and thoughtful.

You feel like there are many major things in your life that need to be changed.

You find that any decision you have to make needs to be slept on... often for multiple nights.

The Jungle Test

You Are Eastern

You see yourself as a very small part of the universe - and you're still trying to figure out what your role is.
Discovering who you are and the meaning of your life is very important to you.

You see life as a journey, and you hope to learn as much as you possibly can.
You believe that living a virtuous and reflective life is how to reach enlightenment.

Are You Philosophically Eastern or Western?

Your Defense Mechanism is Isolation

When life gets to be too much to handle, you just withdraw. You rather not deal with things.
You tend to be a very isolated person. You want to connect to others, but you don't know where to start.

The problem with withdrawing from the world is that it's hard to reintegrate yourself when you're ready.
Instead of pulling back when you have problems, it would be better for you to reach out.

What's Your Defense Mechanism?

so true

You Paint the World with Deep Colors

You are a true individual. You are very unique.
Your friends can count on you to be expressive. You're never at a loss for words.

You are a truly warm person ... though sometimes you can be a bit selfish.
You are keyed into your emotions and easily moved. You are quite sensitive.

How Do You Paint the World?

Your True Sign Is Cancer

Cozy
Moody
Romantic
Traditional
Ultra-Sensitive
Unable to Let Go
The Most Loving Ever
Intuitive and Imaginative

What Sign Woman Are You, Really?

You Are Skilled

You are balanced and competent. You value harmony.

Other people see you as outgoing, hyper, and even a bit overwhelming.

Your ideal romantic relationship is peaceful, romantic, and private.

You do best in tasks that require you to be flexible, creative, and playful.

The Shape Test

Your Inner Blood Type is Type A

You seem cool and collected, though a bit shy.
You are highly driven and a perfectionist, but that's a side you keep to yourself.
Creative and artistic, you are a very unique person who doesn't quite fit in.
People accept you more than you realize, seeing you as trustworthy and loyal.

You are most compatible with: A and AB

Famous Type A's: Britney Spears and Hilter

What's Your Inner Blood Type?

ohhh fantastic... i jsut got compared to Britney Spears and Hitler (though i have heard they have a libra ascendant like me 0_o)

Your Inner Muse is Melpomene

You are most like this muse of tragedy.
While you aren't depressed, you don't shy away from sadness.
Although you do tend to be gloomy, you have a sensitive side.
And this sensitive side helps inspire and help others.

What Muse Are You?

Your Feet Say You're Slightly Stubborn

You are pretty average in your expressiveness. You can express yourself well, but you don't always want to.

You are a very passionate person. You are highly charged and easily inspired.

You are an assertive person at times. You'll pull out all the stops to get what you want, if it's worth it.

You take a while to fall in love, but once you do, you stay pretty attached to your partner.

You are not afraid of anything. You are brave and courageous, even when most people would be terrified.

You are very practical and down to earth. You're more concerned with action than thoughts.

You are a fairly hard worker, but you are also a little spoiled. You like indulge yourself every now and then.

You are not easily influenced by other people. You hold your ground and are true to your beliefs.

What Do Your Feet Say About You?

You Were a Creative Kid

When you were a kid, you always had to be doing something with your hands.
Whether you were painting a picture or just doodling, you had to be creating something.

You were too busy thinking about your future creations to listen in school.
It's likely that every part of school was a challenge for you, except for art class.

What Kind of Kid Were You?

sometimes i wonder what it would be like if someone could be inside my mind for a day... i think about it a lot when i am walking... like what would they think if they could hear my thoughts, or see my memories, or feel how i feel, and see what i see... what would they think of me? would they understand me better, love me more?, be afriad and disgusted?

i chew on my sleeves a lot, leaving giant holes... i think its a nervous/bored habit because i do it all the time but i enver realize it till its too late

i wish i could become immersed in water... go swimming in a lake during the night when its warm

i dreamed that i was in a forest and walked out of it and the sky was grey and cloudy and i thought "its finally going to rain again"
and now its been switching back and forth

Chris says we can get a cat when we move into a new apartment

i am a witch faun fairy

erburr117@gmail.com — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 23:00:45 GMT

Centaur:
[] You are rather wild, and let your instincts run you.
[] You get drunk a lot.
[] Bravery and boldness is second nature to you.
[x] You have a deep love for astronomy and the universe.
[] You like to read your daily horoscope.
[x] You have a high level of pride in yourself. (depends)
[] In the woods is the best place for you to be.
[] The horse is your favorite animal.
[x] You are possessive and territorial.
Total: 2

Elf:
[] Your ears are slightly pointed at the tips.
[x] You are very intelligent. (i like to think so :D)
[/] Your five senses are extremely keen. (except for sight so i guess ill go for half)
[] Your weight is quite a bit lighter than the average person at your particular height.
[] You always wear elegant clothes
[] You speak as politely as possible.
[x] You are most at peace when you are gazing at something beautiful.
[x] You look very young for your age. (i look like a little girl)
[x] You rarely get sick.
[x] You are a very hard worker.
[] Above all other superpowers, you would love to read minds or see the future.
Total: 5 1/2

Fairy:
[] You are happy a lot of the time.
[] The best superpower to you would be to fly.
[x] You are very shy.
[x] You love the forest and plant life in general.
[x] You are always willing to help others, even if you might not be the best to offer aid.
[x] You are young and short.
[x] Dancing is one of your favorite pastimes.
[] If someone ticks you off, you are very clever with getting them back.
[x] Your clothing isn't always presentable, but you are comfortable with what you wear.
[x] Circles are a wonderful symbol of unity to you.
Total: 7

Gnome/Dwarf:
[] You are excellent with crafts and handiwork.
[x] In social situations, you tend to be a little awkward.
[x] You are short for your age.
[x] You are an isolationist.
[] You love to play practical jokes on people.
[] You are extremely fascinated with jewelry.
[] You look older than your age.
[] You love the woods and the mountains.
[] You are well off, or come from a family that is well off.
[x] You have a short temper.
Total: 4

Harpy/Siren:
[x] You are best at talking bad about people behind their backs and not to their face.
[] When you are annoyed, you will go to a great extent to torment whoever did so to you.
[] You often take things that aren't yours.
[] You are easily angered.
[] Death fascinates you.
[x] You are female, or a feminine-looking man.
[] You associate yourself with the wind element.
[x] You can switch quickly between your light and dark side.
[] You love to trick others.
[] You have a ravenous appetite.
Total: 3

Mermaid:
[x] You love the beach more so because of the water than the shore itself.
[] Fish are some of the most beautiful creatures to you.
[] The ultimate superpower to you would be to breathe underwater.
[] You enjoy looking at ships, but not riding them, as well as you like ships for traveling, not hunting in the sea.
[x] You are good at swimming.
[] You like to collect shells.
[] You use sea items as jewelry or decoration.
[] You enjoy learning about the ocean and the life inside it.
[x] You are extremely against ocean pollution, and someday, perhaps you will work to stop that.
[] Legs on land are not as important as a fin in the sea.
Total: 3

Vampire:
[x] You're a night person.
[x] You have a fascination with blood.
[x] You are extremely pale.
[] You wish you had a bat as a pet.
[] You are not religious at all.
[] Tight spaces are not scary or uncomfortable for you.
[] The sun's glare annoys you all too often.
[] You hate food with lots of garlic in it.
[] To you, a kiss on the neck is more romantic than a kiss on the cheek or lips.
[] You don't like sharp objects near you.
Total: 3

Werewolf:
[] The full moon is the most beautiful scene to you.
[] You have a lot of body hair.
[x] The ability to shape shift is the best superpower to you.
[] You prefer gold over silver items.
[] You lack self control.
[x] You find it easier to have sympathy for animals than for humans.
[x] You have a deep respect for wolves and wild dogs.
[x] You like to be alone.
[x] You have a terrible secret and you only tell people you trust 100% about it.
[] You'd rather be outdoors than indoors.
Total: 5

Wizard/Witch:
[] You love chemistry.
[x] You are intuitive and good at analyzing people, to the point that people seriously or jokingly say you're psychic.
[x] The most amazing supernatural power to you is controlling the elements.
[x] You are a nature lover.
[x] You have a strong sense of responsibility
[x] You spend a lot of time alone.
[x] You usually hang around with a certain animal all the time when you feel lonely.
[x] You are spiritual, but not necessarily religious.
[] Cooking is one of your favorite things to do.
[x] You enjoy learning about Wicca and the occult.
Total: 8

Zombie:
[x] You are pale.
[] You are hungry a lot.
[x] Many activities you do every day make you feel mindless, or like a drone.
[x] Most of the time you or a part of you is cold.
[] You love to eat meat.
[] You would resort to cannibalism if that was the only source of food.
[] You make grunts and moans a lot.
[x] You enjoy learning about psychology because you study the brain.
[] You usually walk slowly.
[] You are not afraid of seeing a lot of blood or getting a lot of blood on yourself.
Total: 4

Satyr/Faun:
[x] You are very passionate about the things you like.
[x] You like to get drunk and dance.
[x] You're very amorous.
[x] You like art and music.
[] You enjoy feasting with friends.
[x] You love nature, but more for the animals than the trees and plants.
[] You like getting rowdy and having a good time.
[x] You laugh a lot.
[x] You love the chase almost as much as the capture.
[] You wish you had horns
Total: 7

Centaur: 2
Elf: 5.5
Fairy: 7
Gnome/Dwarf: 4
Harpy/Siren: 3
Mermaid: 3
Vampire: 3
Werewolf: 5
Wizard/Witch: 8
Zombie: 4
Satyr/Faun: 7

and

how would you describe your siblings (if you have any)?
mmm... my older sister is cool, my brother is a total piscean sweetheart who lives in a house full of crazy women, my younger sister is sort of a bitch, and my youngest sister i dont even really know

have you ever lied to a teacher?
i dunnos

what kind of book would you describe as a good read?
the Dollanganger Saga... or anything by Francesca Lia Block

what's your occupation?
arts and crafts retail slave

what stereotype are you?
melancholy recluse optimistic idealist... if thats a stereotype, how about hopless romantic

what's your current fandom/obsession/addiction?
uhm... big brother

what are you listening to right now?
children screaming, soon to be deftones cause i jsut remembered i put them on my profile

what food could you eat every day for weeks and not get sick of?
sushi mmmmmmmmmm

what websites do you always visit when you go online?
uhm lj, myspace (im a douche), uhm.... i dunnos

what are you going to do next year?
play wiht the kitten i better have

what was the cutest thing you've seen today?
this little girl who kept wandering away from her mom to talk to me and show off her fuzzy pink jacket :)

ooops deleted

what is your zodiac sign?
LEO bitchezzzzzzzzzz hear me purr hhaha

do you want to learn another language?
sure i love learning new ones, or pretending i do hahaa

five things you can't live without.
Christopher, koolaid, cats, flowers, music

if you could meet anyone now, who would you meet?
augh... i dont like people

what's something you'd like to say to someone right now?
uhm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm i love you but i dont want to talk to you

what are you looking forward to?
my birthday being over fuckkkkkkkkkk its stressing me out more than anything

say something to the person who tagged you:
i was like... totally not cool enough to be tagged but whateveeeeeeeeeer hahaha

wow... super in depth :P

its m birthday and ill cry if i want tooo cryyyyyyyy if i want to

not realyl im jsut tired of being stressed... everyone is calling me and wanting to take me out and drinking and my parents are up my butt and all i really want to do is drink a smirnoff and cuddle up with Chris
im lame
i got to hang out with my sister today, and prolly tomorrow
im going to
..........

stop

augh im tired of talking forget it

erburr117@gmail.com — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 21:08:48 GMT

some questions i got from Mary darling

1. Can you pinpoint what it is about cats that makes you fuzzy inside?
honestly, i can't. It is very much a feeling i get from them... staring into their eyes, i feel like i can intuitively understand them in the most sublime way. Sometimes i feel like i cat, my thoughts and actions... the way i look at people, and the way i scratch an itch as if my hand were a paw, how i show affection when im at my most lovable (crawling on Chris's lap and butting my head against his shoulder)... when i was little and hurt and scared i would escape into a fantasy world where i was really a cat... i feel more connected to them than anything else really. The part that makes me all fuzzy inside is overall, i mean they are so damn cute and beautiful, with their big eyes and soft unsmelly fur, their cute little noses and mouth, the way their butt does that little side sashay "badum badum" walk... its so damn cute. haha
2. What is one song that just really gets under your skin and speaks to you every time you hear it? due to indecisiveness 1 song has been ruled out and i will go with 3 from my two favorite movies.... this will give you a peek into my psyche maybe

i was gonna show the video so you could get the full effect but livejournal i guess doesn't want me to so these are the songs
Ice Dance from Edward Scissorhands
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIDmtxOkcTQ

Estella's Theme
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgPxw6GXY6M
and
Kissing in the Rain from Great Expectations. exquisite.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7rceR-KuhvA

3. When is the hardest you have ever laughed? mmm im not sure... off the top of my head i remember when i was little i used ot get laughing fits that would last for hours and they wouldn't be about anything really, i would have a weird thought and just burst out laughing uncontrollably. i wish i could remember more, i remember times of laughing so hard i cried but i don't remember why.
4. What is your greatest fear? being abandoned, or combine that with being buried alive and that would be my ultimate greatest fear. I think that's partly why im so reclusive, i don't htink i could handle being left again fro something better and newer and more interesting, so i cut the ties first. I have a horrible tendency to care so mucha dn so deeply about someone or something that it literally rips my heart out when they leave. I still remember the feelings of abandonment i got when i couldn't find my yellow pillow after i moved to California when i was in pre-school, my dad said he didn't know where it was and it felt like my soul had ben cut in two... i couldn't imagine how i'd feel if Chris left me, or anyone really, i think that's why im always trying to be so good for everyone, so perfect and wonderful so they'll never leave me.
5. What one dream would you like to come true more than any other? to just be happy and loved for the rest of my life.

mmmmmmmmmm

my birthday is on monday. and i don't know what to do. everyone keeps telling me how trashed htey are going to get me... but honestly, all i really want to do is go have a nice dinner and settle down with a drink or two, i really don't want to do anything but i haven't seen anyone for awhile and i feel so damn guilty about not wanting to do anything....

im serously considering murdering Katie and Jeff... not seriously, but moving out has been in my thoughts quite a lot lately... i don't know how much i can take it. i told Chris that i seriously feel a little more miserable each day im here because i can't take all this chaos, i can't take having to do all the dishes every day because no one else will, having to throw their garbage away because they leave it sitting on the counter for days at a time.. i can't take how they treat their children (they don't even wash out the baby's milk bottle!), i can't take all the noise and slamming doors and yelling and whining and bitching, i feel like i can't go downstairs because then Katie will leech on to me and talk my ear off for hours at a time when all i wanted to do was take a 3 min break to smoke a cigarette. I feel like my home isn't my home anymore when im afraid and too anxiety ridden to go downstairs.

i jsut can't stand them i really really can't.

Work has been alright... i might get 40 by the end of this week cause Sarah wants me to take her shift, but i dunnos if i can because they'd have to make it 5 hours to avoid giving me overtime and its a 7.5 hour shift so who knows... i was looking forward to seeing a movie wiht Chris and spending the day with him Saturday so im secretly hoping i won't be able to take it since the people pleaser in me spoke before the mind did.

my eye hurts and so does my back. i don't want to go to work tonight, or take a shower and get dressed. i just want to sleep sleep sleep away my day till Christopher comes home to me.

He has been very sweet lately. we got in a huge fight sunday/monday where we were hardly speaking to each other, but luckily we "sort of" resolved it so... its been better between us :)

p.s. i jsut watche dthe trailer for REquiem for a Dream... gave me chills and hurt my heart...

p.s.s : i jsut saw the trailer for alice in wonderland by tim burton http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhAx8FqgBU8 ieeeee i can't wait to see it :D

erburr117@gmail.com — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 20:58:28 GMT

i think i've been getting better

i finally confessed to Chris about one of the things bothering me... that i've been with him for over two years and thought that it earned me the spot to be invited to his friend's wedding and assert my place as his girlfriend
it hurt so badly that it was never asked if i wanted to go
or told that i wasn't invited
jsut nothing nothing nothing which hurt so incredibly bad. i felt unwanted and unneeded... something to be hidden and not shown into the light, like he was embaressed of me.

He kept talking about the bachelor's party and that was all i could think about, and so i started to sink into my blank face shell where everything would hurt less. Chris noticed and took me into his arms and cradled me on his lap and asked what was wrong. It took me awhile and a lot of coaxing but i finally told him.

He couldn't believe i didnt feel invited. He said "of course you are! why didn't you think you were? You're my girlfriend and it would be rude not to invite you, you need to be more assertive." so that made me feel better, i am invited and not being hidden from the world

*shy, slightly insecure smile*

i got mad at him one night when i gave him a kiss and told him "sweet dreams handsome" and he jsut sad "sweet dreams" back... i waited for him to finish "...beautiful" but he didnt... i cleared my throat and was like "ahem!" and he was like "stop fishing for compliments"... and so i couldn't sleep taht night cause i was angry and hurt and mad at myself for being so stupid
the next night though he made it up by telling me "goodnight my beautiful sweetheart" before i said anything.

I cleaned the house today. it's amazing how much better it makes me feel to be in a clean place.

But now im getting bored. i need to entertain myself.

the 3rd is my 21st birthday and everyone keeps asking me what im going to do and my sister has all these plans to go bar hopping and my stepmom want's to get me smashed off of margarita's and daquiris...
my reclusive nature is kicking in and i would just much rather prefer to stay at home. cause im lame and its a monday :P

*sigh*

Kurt Cobain makes me melt.

words induced by Dionysus

erburr117@gmail.com — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 05:13:57 GMT

Chris is at a bachelor's party....

I made him get me a bottle of wine last night to keep myself entertained

well i've had a few glasses and im going to open up like i used to

i have no one to hide from on here

this is for me

The reason i have been so depressed lately is this.
I have been incredibly jealous
And incredibly emotionally wounded

i try not to talk shit about Chris, because i want to keep the happy memories
but sometimes his Scorpio sun/Capricorn ascendant can be quite cruel.

Sometimes he will squeeze my stomach and tell me i need to lose weight
he gets butthurt when i refuse to have sex with him when we are drunk... a) being insulted constantly doesn't exactly turn me on, and b) he takes forever to get off and frankly im jsut not that interested in having sex for hours when i know im not going to get off

I hate when he calls me names, or makes fun of me, or tells my dreams to others... i hate when he tells me i need to enter the real world, or when he tells me i act like a 5 yr old, or when he tells me im being retarded

.......................................................................

I get to watch Katie showing off her new ring that Jeff gave her... the second one he gave her, and tells me its proof of how much Jeff loves her, while my finger remains bare

I hate how i get to come home after cleaning every inch of the house... only to find it trashed again

i hate how Chris hasn't even asked me if i would like to go to his friend's wedding with him, and how after 2 yrs i still haven't met his father, who only lives a few blocks from us

i ehar excuses excuses excuses.... i remain patient and feel emptier each day inside

i hate how im begged to open up, but when i do, nobody listens.

i ahte feeling alone in a room full of people

i ahte how easily the thought of ex-girlfriends sends me into a deep dark depression which takes me days to get out of

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

after all this....

my day is never complete until i am in Chris's arms

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

my uncle is being investigated by the FBI on hundreds of graphic pornographic pictures of minor girls being violently and sexually abused

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

sometimes i feel like im not real
this is all a dream

noboidy else exists
its jsut me

i am living solipsism

and yet there is always a sun shining behind the clouds

i will remain proud and confident

i am beautiful
worthy of respect and love

i am intelligent, thoughtful, introspective, insightful, and unique

everything is love and love is everything

ther are slivers all up in my feets

erburr117@gmail.com — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 21:19:19 GMT

ok

from here on now

im goig to be happy again

there is no point in living if all you do is sit and stare out the window and watch the clouds go by while you think of everything about you that is wrong

......

im gonna get me some sweet sweet soury deleciousness candies

a pomegranite rockstar

some food for my fishies

and damn, ill even be nice to the asshole customers

im going to start beleving that only the best things will happen

--------------------------------

i fed my poor tomato/cilantro.habenero plant today... i put my hand in the pitcher of water and sprinkled so much water in er... i imagined her as a hot thirsty animal soaking in the water from a sprinkler

poor thing... she was so thirsty

ORegon has been crazy lately... it will be cold and grey for a day or two the next day not a cloud in the sky the heat up beyond belief

------------------------------------

when we get our own apartment again im going to decerote it whether Chris likes it or not

i have been deprived of beauty and love of my surroudings for 2 years now and there is nothing he is going to say about it cause it will be spent with my money.

im going to make our future apartment a home

and im going to get a kitten and be damned what the landlord says

--------------------------------------

im going to grow at least 7 ivy plants... one for each of the rooms

let them grow strong and study, tall and proud, twisting and elegant, creeping up the walls and twining around whatever is nearest

and im going to water her the way i want to water her and be damned what anyone else says.

my sweet ivy used to be so tall... she used to wrap herself around my canopy

and then vicki's idea of only water her a bit ocassionally caused her to be on her death bed in less then a month, and she still has not fully recovered... even Chris tries to temper the amount of water i give her but fuck it im gonna do what i want to do from here on out

and SAturday... while he is at the Bachelor's party... i WILL find someone to be with, so i don't sit at home like a sad mopey bastard

and its sweet... Chris is gonna take me to see Bruno and i even got him to promise to take me to Planned Parenthood so i can get my refill

no more bitchy Emily! No more super-reclusive i go years without speaking to anybody Emily! im gonna become thin adn pure of heart, im going to be a mother to nature and her children, im going to become the woman of Chris's dreams. and damn my insecurities and melancholy to hell becasue i want nothing more to do with it.

erburr117@gmail.com — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 20:09:27 GMT

i don't want to talk about the bad times

i jsut want to remember the good times

erburr117@gmail.com — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 18:31:57 GMT

You Are Skilled

The Shape Test

You Are Highly Colorful

You are intensely alive and very passionate.
You are optimistic about the world and about people.

You feel very connected to others, and you tend to be a harmonizing force.
You are vibrant and receptive. You are ready for whatever the world has to offer you.

The Watercolor Test

i got bored with the tests.

i keep trying to find something to write about that doesn't automatically lose my interest within seconds.

i feel like all i do now is work work work work Mars in Aries in 6th house working overtime

augh

emotionally... jealousy and insecurities are at an all time high for me.
jealous that Katie gets to meet Chris adn Jeff's family, has 2 rings Jeff gave her, still has her red roses... still a disgusting annoying slob
i don't get anything... but i tell myself, at least when i do it will mean more than that which i am jealous of

insecurities destroying my dreams...

lately for the past few weeks i jsut feel so........ grey

even when the sun was shining my heart hurt
my mind hurt
my body hurt

i jsut wanted to crawl up in the bed and let the world dissapear for awhile

i know i should call people but i don't

i know i should write people but i don't.

one of these days i will get better i know it... i jsut wish it would come sooner rather than later.

Big Brother started yeya
Hopfeully we will see Bruno on Saturday so that will be awesome

im falling in love with music all over again

i ahve to pee adn go buy energy drinks and ciggarettes... and prolly food

yey

erburr117@gmail.com — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 20:15:02 GMT

i want to lay down and melt into the universe

sometimes i feel like i can feel the heartbeat of the earth

this longing consumes me

i feel ....... like a ghost sometimes

erburr117@gmail.com — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 17:33:20 GMT

i don't know what's been wrong with me lately
i jsut havent felt the need or i guess desire to really do anything or say anything

some times i feel like one of those people that lives in bubbles or what not... having to watch as everyone experiences life and each other in a way they never could

.....

i feel like everytime i wake up in this place that im getting closer and closer to hell

sometimes i think the true hell is here on earth.

i've been getting outrageous jealousy from nowhere.
yesterday i was looking at chris and hated every girl that ever touched him before me... wondering if he ever felt intensely about another girl, wondering am i the first one he really lvoed, the first one he told he loved, does he love me as much as he might have loved someone else
then later after we saw The Hangover on Wednesday him and Jeff were talking about how movies were so expensive and how when they were in high school movies were so much cheaper...
i started to get jealous! i couldn't stop thinking of the girlfriends best friend that he took to see a movie once (he told me about it), about all the other girls he took tpo the movies and how often he took them and how incredibly not fair it is that i couldn't go to high school with him

but then i remembered when we first got together how he told me that i was the first girl he ever pursued... usually the girls go after him, and i didn't.

i have to remember that shit, how he waited for a year for me...

and so sometimes i really really crave that romance we had in the beginning... were we would lay on teh balcony underneath the stars and moon and confess all of our deepest secrets to each other

but oh wells.

I've almost gotten to the point of yellign at Jeff and Katie. it's really hard for someone im not close to to get me that fucking pissed off for so long, and somehow they keep managing to find something that will piss me off.
my shit dissapears
i come home from work, all the dishes (no not exaggerateing i really mean ALL THE FUCKING DISHES) have been used and left on the counter or table, just waiting for me to do it
the house is trashed beyond belief... yesterday there were pieces of spaghetti everywhere, diapers scattered around the living room half eaten food spilled on the counter and left there to rot, a dirty diaper SITTING ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE!!!! Me and chris walk through the door and Frank is ripping up the telephone books while Jessica and Cheyenne sit there and watch t.v. (on sunday we found him getting into the bleach!)
and i jsut snap. i couldn't believe how disgusting my house has become. Katie shows up and is like WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF and apparently Jeff was sleeping all day again, and then he starts yelling at her about her kids and oooooooo i was pissed

i really really wanted to slap him and be like WTF IS WRONG WItH YOU!!!!!!! you were here all day fucking sleeping and being a degenerate loser while the kids that call you daddy jeff are tearing up the house, having nothing to eat because you're too fucking lazy to buy them anything but cerial and jack in the box, and you want to come here and bitch about the house being a mess! USE YOUR OWN TWO FUCKING HANDS DIPSHIT! the kids need supervision! you can't just sit them in front of the t.v. till me and chris come home, wtf is wrong with you!

... maybe this is why i haven't written lately... ever since i have been home everything has jsut increased in its potential for pissing me off, and yet im stuck here being lame lame loser me

i tried excersizing but ... i dunnos, maybe ill do that in a bit

i seriosuly feel like im in hell right now.

erburr117@gmail.com — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 20:35:30 GMT

so i officially have internet at home now

so i wont disappear for months again

&hearts

augh things have been crazy lately

i was right about Jeff being on drugs... i called it out months and months ago but no one really listened to me, Chris only started to believe me when he heard the lighter in their bedroom, like they were smoking pot, but no smell

then saturday he disappears and the only thing we are told is that Jeff went to some AA retreat or something... i called it out as bullshit because i know Jeff would've mentioned something about it earlier, and Chris figured he was prolly in jail or something

i talked to Katie about it on Monday and she kept denying my suspicions, and kept claiming he was at the retreat. It wasn't till his dad showed up and was like "ok, where the fuck is he really? is he in Detox?"
and she finally admitted it
and then talked to me for hours about it

and i just wanted to slap her.

i really really fucking did.

at first she said she didn't know (BULLSHIT! how fucking stupid do you think i am?)
how could you not know your boyfriend was shooting heroin and smoking it when you two are sequestered in the same room for hours on end?
then the more she talked, she finally admitted to how she knew he was doing it for MONTHS, and how she didnt agree with it and blah blah blah and was upset when he started shooting it up

ok

A: you were fine with it when he was smoking it? but not ok when he started using it?
B: you leave you less-than-a- year old and your other child in the care of a person who is on heroin while you are at work??? what if something happened to them while he was asleep in a drug-induced haze?????
C: WHY THE FUCK DID YOU ALLOW HIM TO DO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?!?!
if the situation had been Chris you can sure as fuck bet that as soon as i found out about it, that shit was getting destroyed and flushed down the toilet, and be damned how pissed off he was about it. i would have straight up told Chris TOUGH SHIT!. And me and Chris even discussed it when we first started dating, since we do have a background in drugs individually, we both agreed we would flush it down the toilet and get rid of it and cut off the money supply to them if the other person started doing drugs. you don't enable that shit, you just don't.
augh she pissed me off so bad...

so anyway, he was supposed to be in Detox till thursday... apparently not.
he came home on Monday and then Katie announces to everyone, oh while he is taking a bath im going to smoke the rest of my pot.
i seriously had to stop my hand from slapping her.
WHAT IS SHE THINKING??!!?!?!?!?! oh... im going to do some drugs in front of someone who jsut got out of detox, what a brilliant idea!
*glares*
and then he disappeared this morning. Cheyenne kept asking where he was, and Katie was jsut like "oh whatever, maybe he went to get breakfast, maybe he went to get drugs"
she straight up said that.... oh and btw his dealer lives in our neighborhood... how convienent.

im sorry, but if i was her i would have found my phone adn its charger (oh my battery died- when i asked her why she hadn't called him)
and called his stupid ass and be like uhm..... where the fuck are you?!?!?!

augh

augh

augh

fucking people piss me off.

.............

anywho

...................

Chris is taking me to see Star Trek today... im so excited!
we haven't been to the movies since Cloverfield i think, which seems like so long ago *sighs* and he has been so sweet to me lately...
our two years is coming up on the 16th!!! im so excited... he better get me some flowers since he skipped out on them on valentines day... i've been casually mentioning it like "oh darling, flowers are so pretty, wouldn't they look wonderful in our room?" and then he'll say something like "Don't be stupid, they are a waste of money" but not as harsh :P and then i say "well you skipped on Valentine's day, so i expect them on our anniversary"

*nods*

hahhaha no i'm not sure if that convo has actually happened or not, but it jsut did in my head so i thought i would share that... i have casually mentioned that i want some though :P

People at work adore me. Melissa (the head honcho manager) keeps being a bitch adn scheduling me to be the main cashier, but Sharon and Liz (the assisant managers) keep switching me to be second because half the time the other cashier (usually Nathan) doesn't get anything done. and Liz was telling me what a great worker i am, and my supervisors- each one of them adore me, my co-workers adore me, and the framing manager gets sad when i don't close with her... so i feel pretty good about myself
i jsut don't see why Melissa doesn't like me as much.... *glares*
if it's cause i don't get everythign done. that's not my fault.... like the other day when i was cashiering and Liz wants me to paint these terra cotta pots and glue them together to make animals and shit, and then Sharon wants me to sign all the custom floral (there are hundreds of them)

nevermind im bored wiht this story haha

uhm.....

i finalyl caved in and sent an email to summer.

my intuitions have been super prophetic lately

and.... i dunnos

erburr117@gmail.com — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 18:54:58 GMT

i got my assocaites degree yesterday

woo hoo

i doubt im gonna be able to go to PSU this fall since i procrastinated till the very last second

but oh well

i had a dream i cut off my face and put it back but it was all loose and droopy and red around the edges

it was kind of a scary dream actually ... on an island with Battle Royale breaking out

then i had a dream that i was at Nicole's work and all the old dying people were the size of babies stuck inside incubator pods

dark dark dark is my psyche

ill write more maybe later maybe

erburr117@gmail.com — Wed, 27 May 2009 21:44:14 GMT

the computer is in my room now

jeff and katie turned the office room into a bedroom for cheyenne

we have a cable outlet in our room

which means.... INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!

im so excited... this time its going to happen, there are no more excuses... and then ill be set

my dream reclusive spot

thats not as nicely decorated but oh well

last week was hard

i almost deleted everything
i hated the world

i felt lost and hurt and confused and abandoned

i didnt want to talk to anyone
or go anywhere

i jsut wanted to dissapear in Chris's arms

jsut curl up and melt inside his chest where i could sleep in his heart for the rest of our lives

adn then... i got the feeling back

the feelings i used ot get in my old room, the stars shining against a midnight curtain
window open with soft summer breexes
fresh scents drifting through

my room filled wiht modest mouse and interpol and radiohead

perfection

i got is driving home listening to the new radiohead c.d., the car windows rolled down and it was 10 pm.... it jsut hit me

perfection

and then yesterday with my music in my room i felt like ME again

its been so long since i jsut became one with my music like i used to

maybe i can start painting again

i got to hang out with Nicole yesterday. that made me feel better about myself. i don't need friends as long as i have one genuine one.

............................................................

pluto is acting up again

i feel the change