Deep Inside Morpheus Creation

opiumchild @ 2009-07-13T11:20:00

2009-07-13T18:31:57Z

You Are Skilled

You are balanced and competent. You value harmony.

Other people see you as outgoing, hyper, and even a bit overwhelming.

Your ideal romantic relationship is peaceful, romantic, and private.

You do best in tasks that require you to be flexible, creative, and playful.

The Shape Test

You Are Highly Colorful

You are intensely alive and very passionate.
You are optimistic about the world and about people.

You feel very connected to others, and you tend to be a harmonizing force.
You are vibrant and receptive. You are ready for whatever the world has to offer you.

The Watercolor Test

i got bored with the tests.

i keep trying to find something to write about that doesn't automatically lose my interest within seconds.

i feel like all i do now is work work work work Mars in Aries in 6th house working overtime

augh

emotionally... jealousy and insecurities are at an all time high for me.
jealous that Katie gets to meet Chris adn Jeff's family, has 2 rings Jeff gave her, still has her red roses... still a disgusting annoying slob
i don't get anything... but i tell myself, at least when i do it will mean more than that which i am jealous of

insecurities destroying my dreams...

lately for the past few weeks i jsut feel so........ grey

even when the sun was shining my heart hurt
my mind hurt
my body hurt

i jsut wanted to crawl up in the bed and let the world dissapear for awhile

i know i should call people but i don't

i know i should write people but i don't.

one of these days i will get better i know it... i jsut wish it would come sooner rather than later.

Big Brother started yeya
Hopfeully we will see Bruno on Saturday so that will be awesome

im falling in love with music all over again

i ahve to pee adn go buy energy drinks and ciggarettes... and prolly food

yey

opiumchild @ 2009-07-01T13:13:00

2009-07-01T20:15:02Z

i want to lay down and melt into the universe

sometimes i feel like i can feel the heartbeat of the earth

this longing consumes me

i feel ....... like a ghost sometimes

opiumchild @ 2009-06-26T10:11:00

2009-06-26T17:33:20Z

i don't know what's been wrong with me lately
i jsut havent felt the need or i guess desire to really do anything or say anything

some times i feel like one of those people that lives in bubbles or what not... having to watch as everyone experiences life and each other in a way they never could

.....

i feel like everytime i wake up in this place that im getting closer and closer to hell

sometimes i think the true hell is here on earth.

i've been getting outrageous jealousy from nowhere.
yesterday i was looking at chris and hated every girl that ever touched him before me... wondering if he ever felt intensely about another girl, wondering am i the first one he really lvoed, the first one he told he loved, does he love me as much as he might have loved someone else
then later after we saw The Hangover on Wednesday him and Jeff were talking about how movies were so expensive and how when they were in high school movies were so much cheaper...
i started to get jealous! i couldn't stop thinking of the girlfriends best friend that he took to see a movie once (he told me about it), about all the other girls he took tpo the movies and how often he took them and how incredibly not fair it is that i couldn't go to high school with him

but then i remembered when we first got together how he told me that i was the first girl he ever pursued... usually the girls go after him, and i didn't.

i have to remember that shit, how he waited for a year for me...

and so sometimes i really really crave that romance we had in the beginning... were we would lay on teh balcony underneath the stars and moon and confess all of our deepest secrets to each other

but oh wells.

I've almost gotten to the point of yellign at Jeff and Katie. it's really hard for someone im not close to to get me that fucking pissed off for so long, and somehow they keep managing to find something that will piss me off.
my shit dissapears
i come home from work, all the dishes (no not exaggerateing i really mean ALL THE FUCKING DISHES) have been used and left on the counter or table, just waiting for me to do it
the house is trashed beyond belief... yesterday there were pieces of spaghetti everywhere, diapers scattered around the living room half eaten food spilled on the counter and left there to rot, a dirty diaper SITTING ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE!!!! Me and chris walk through the door and Frank is ripping up the telephone books while Jessica and Cheyenne sit there and watch t.v. (on sunday we found him getting into the bleach!)
and i jsut snap. i couldn't believe how disgusting my house has become. Katie shows up and is like WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF and apparently Jeff was sleeping all day again, and then he starts yelling at her about her kids and oooooooo i was pissed

i really really wanted to slap him and be like WTF IS WRONG WItH YOU!!!!!!! you were here all day fucking sleeping and being a degenerate loser while the kids that call you daddy jeff are tearing up the house, having nothing to eat because you're too fucking lazy to buy them anything but cerial and jack in the box, and you want to come here and bitch about the house being a mess! USE YOUR OWN TWO FUCKING HANDS DIPSHIT! the kids need supervision! you can't just sit them in front of the t.v. till me and chris come home, wtf is wrong with you!

... maybe this is why i haven't written lately... ever since i have been home everything has jsut increased in its potential for pissing me off, and yet im stuck here being lame lame loser me

i tried excersizing but ... i dunnos, maybe ill do that in a bit

i seriosuly feel like im in hell right now.

opiumchild @ 2009-06-10T13:12:00

2009-06-10T20:35:30Z

so i officially have internet at home now

so i wont disappear for months again

&hearts

augh things have been crazy lately

i was right about Jeff being on drugs... i called it out months and months ago but no one really listened to me, Chris only started to believe me when he heard the lighter in their bedroom, like they were smoking pot, but no smell

then saturday he disappears and the only thing we are told is that Jeff went to some AA retreat or something... i called it out as bullshit because i know Jeff would've mentioned something about it earlier, and Chris figured he was prolly in jail or something

i talked to Katie about it on Monday and she kept denying my suspicions, and kept claiming he was at the retreat. It wasn't till his dad showed up and was like "ok, where the fuck is he really? is he in Detox?"
and she finally admitted it
and then talked to me for hours about it

and i just wanted to slap her.

i really really fucking did.

at first she said she didn't know (BULLSHIT! how fucking stupid do you think i am?)
how could you not know your boyfriend was shooting heroin and smoking it when you two are sequestered in the same room for hours on end?
then the more she talked, she finally admitted to how she knew he was doing it for MONTHS, and how she didnt agree with it and blah blah blah and was upset when he started shooting it up

ok

A: you were fine with it when he was smoking it? but not ok when he started using it?
B: you leave you less-than-a- year old and your other child in the care of a person who is on heroin while you are at work??? what if something happened to them while he was asleep in a drug-induced haze?????
C: WHY THE FUCK DID YOU ALLOW HIM TO DO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?!?!
if the situation had been Chris you can sure as fuck bet that as soon as i found out about it, that shit was getting destroyed and flushed down the toilet, and be damned how pissed off he was about it. i would have straight up told Chris TOUGH SHIT!. And me and Chris even discussed it when we first started dating, since we do have a background in drugs individually, we both agreed we would flush it down the toilet and get rid of it and cut off the money supply to them if the other person started doing drugs. you don't enable that shit, you just don't.
augh she pissed me off so bad...

so anyway, he was supposed to be in Detox till thursday... apparently not.
he came home on Monday and then Katie announces to everyone, oh while he is taking a bath im going to smoke the rest of my pot.
i seriously had to stop my hand from slapping her.
WHAT IS SHE THINKING??!!?!?!?!?! oh... im going to do some drugs in front of someone who jsut got out of detox, what a brilliant idea!
*glares*
and then he disappeared this morning. Cheyenne kept asking where he was, and Katie was jsut like "oh whatever, maybe he went to get breakfast, maybe he went to get drugs"
she straight up said that.... oh and btw his dealer lives in our neighborhood... how convienent.

im sorry, but if i was her i would have found my phone adn its charger (oh my battery died- when i asked her why she hadn't called him)
and called his stupid ass and be like uhm..... where the fuck are you?!?!?!

augh

augh

augh

fucking people piss me off.

.............

anywho

...................

Chris is taking me to see Star Trek today... im so excited!
we haven't been to the movies since Cloverfield i think, which seems like so long ago *sighs* and he has been so sweet to me lately...
our two years is coming up on the 16th!!! im so excited... he better get me some flowers since he skipped out on them on valentines day... i've been casually mentioning it like "oh darling, flowers are so pretty, wouldn't they look wonderful in our room?" and then he'll say something like "Don't be stupid, they are a waste of money" but not as harsh :P and then i say "well you skipped on Valentine's day, so i expect them on our anniversary"

*nods*

hahhaha no i'm not sure if that convo has actually happened or not, but it jsut did in my head so i thought i would share that... i have casually mentioned that i want some though :P

People at work adore me. Melissa (the head honcho manager) keeps being a bitch adn scheduling me to be the main cashier, but Sharon and Liz (the assisant managers) keep switching me to be second because half the time the other cashier (usually Nathan) doesn't get anything done. and Liz was telling me what a great worker i am, and my supervisors- each one of them adore me, my co-workers adore me, and the framing manager gets sad when i don't close with her... so i feel pretty good about myself
i jsut don't see why Melissa doesn't like me as much.... *glares*
if it's cause i don't get everythign done. that's not my fault.... like the other day when i was cashiering and Liz wants me to paint these terra cotta pots and glue them together to make animals and shit, and then Sharon wants me to sign all the custom floral (there are hundreds of them)

nevermind im bored wiht this story haha

uhm.....

i finalyl caved in and sent an email to summer.

my intuitions have been super prophetic lately

and.... i dunnos

opiumchild @ 2009-06-01T11:52:00

2009-06-01T18:54:58Z

i got my assocaites degree yesterday

woo hoo

i doubt im gonna be able to go to PSU this fall since i procrastinated till the very last second

but oh well

i had a dream i cut off my face and put it back but it was all loose and droopy and red around the edges

it was kind of a scary dream actually ... on an island with Battle Royale breaking out

then i had a dream that i was at Nicole's work and all the old dying people were the size of babies stuck inside incubator pods

dark dark dark is my psyche

ill write more maybe later maybe

opiumchild @ 2009-05-27T14:38:00

2009-05-27T21:44:14Z

the computer is in my room now

jeff and katie turned the office room into a bedroom for cheyenne

we have a cable outlet in our room

which means.... INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!

im so excited... this time its going to happen, there are no more excuses... and then ill be set

my dream reclusive spot

thats not as nicely decorated but oh well

last week was hard

i almost deleted everything
i hated the world

i felt lost and hurt and confused and abandoned

i didnt want to talk to anyone
or go anywhere

i jsut wanted to dissapear in Chris's arms

jsut curl up and melt inside his chest where i could sleep in his heart for the rest of our lives

adn then... i got the feeling back

the feelings i used ot get in my old room, the stars shining against a midnight curtain
window open with soft summer breexes
fresh scents drifting through

my room filled wiht modest mouse and interpol and radiohead

perfection

i got is driving home listening to the new radiohead c.d., the car windows rolled down and it was 10 pm.... it jsut hit me

perfection

and then yesterday with my music in my room i felt like ME again

its been so long since i jsut became one with my music like i used to

maybe i can start painting again

i got to hang out with Nicole yesterday. that made me feel better about myself. i don't need friends as long as i have one genuine one.

............................................................

pluto is acting up again

i feel the change

opiumchild @ 2009-05-13T07:37:00

2009-05-13T14:56:59Z

do you ever get that feeling of just....blagh

where everything becomes colored grey
it loses all of its life, its smell, its taste

you are not sad, or mad, or happy, or any other definable mood
just .... grey grey grey

color my days grey

thats how i have been feeling for the past few days

i don't know if it's disappointment
or if it's anger at others that i turned internal

i don't know what it is...

i like to have reasons like "oh so and so said/did this so now i have all the right to be pissed off at them".... but they are just being their selves so its not all that fair to be upset with them
or i could blame it on life situations "work sucks, school sucks, reality sucks" but even that in itself is a way of copping out and avoiding the real situation

i dunnos

i just feel so .... blahg

I had a dream the other night that Chris's friend Josh came over to our place and tried to have sex with me on the balcony but i fought him off and called out for Chris and he came and rescued me. Josh got all butthurt and left, but then came back a few minutes later with a bunch of kittens... i was so happy, i remember naming one of them Katrina

but STILL! even then, the dream felt.... off....

like my dreams always do... i can never have a dream that is purely happy, there is always some weird feeling... something dark in my psyche that distorts somethign happy into something scary and creepy and weird

then last night chris crushed my world in a way only he can... I asked him if he loved me "yes" forever? "yes" and ever? "yes" but not in a "of course my darling i will always love and adore you forever and ever" voice more of a "augh i jsut want to sleep and if this will shut you up ill say anything" voice

then he called me pudgy... and then said i was too crazy for him to decide whether to marry me or not....

*heart breaks*

i didn't talk to him the rest of the night... even when he apologized and tried to cuddle with me...

YOU JUST DONT SAY THAT TYPE OF SHIT

i would NEVER say that, no matter how pissed i was... he knows full well how i have built my future solely based on my relationship with him. and to have him say that, it jsut chips at every single cell in my body... it seriously just makes all my dreams turn grey and faded until they crumble into dust... it fucking hurts

i know i take things too seriously. but thats me and thats how i live. i am all or nothing and i don't like the in betweens... (at least when it comes to relationships, i live in the inbetween for everything else :P)

This morning didnt go my way... all my Day-quil mysteriously disspaeared, my lighters were nowhere to be found, Cheyenne slept in the office so i wasn'y able to grab my homework or my usb and that created a well of anxiety since i have to do a presentation today, but ill prolly jsut do it next monday and say fuck it.

chris teased me cause i was pissed off

but then i cried in the car and he told me he lvoed me all sweet like and said that he wants to be with me eternally so i was like... much better... but you should have said that in the first place

augh

and i still want to murder my roomates

Chris saw a cat while he was on lunch break... she visits him occasionally and he gives hr some of his water and pets her and tries to bring things for her to eat cause he says she looks hungry

i say we steal her and take her home so we can give her all sorts of loving adn milk and all sorts of delecious kitty food

god i want a cat so badly

i feel it in my bones

people have come close to guessing my thing on guess my sign.... its strange... no one has ever guessed that i have leo in me except for that one girl... so i was like cool... i do appear leo like sometimes

i don't know why i keep appearing pisces/cancer though... interesting... to be hoenst i only have one planet in a water sign and that's pluto in scorpio in my first house....

hmmm

i dunnos

im done.

AUGH

piss on self-pity
melancholy thoughts
regrets

piss on everything that is grey!

(unless its fur or something because that wouldnt be nice)

i refuse to be a sad mopey bastard right now

REFUSE

i will pretend sunshine is outside these windows
i will pretend that my body isnt slowly dying

i will pretend that i am the coolest prettiest most badass mutherfucker there ever was

cause im super rad!

i will accept me and my stupid crazy thoughts as being stupid and crazy and i am going to smile instead of frown

and i am

..

...

....

....

i guess im gonna play some games right now

and not do my homework

cuase im badasssss like that

jealous?

ha

i dunnos

augh

p.s. saying "piss on" makes everything way cooler

opiumchild @ 2009-05-06T15:25:00

2009-05-06T22:34:32Z

augh

i just spent 15 minutes putting in all those pics for the mood theme... augh

but at least they are pretty

yeah i've been going on another icon binge today

im hungry

my roomates are driving me crazy

im so tired of waking up to their messes

their lame ass toilet paper that is the same that is used in restaurants and retail stores, the disgusting super thin kind

im tired of them using all my paper towels only to replace them with ugly borwn ones that don't wipe anythign or soak anything very well at all, which has made cleaning the house for me... jsut that more difficult

i am tired of them using all the laundry soap and ketchup and cereal and everything else... loading the dish washer with dirty dishes so they come out dirty after going through the wash

i am tired of them eating all my food only to replace it with disgusting pizza

i am tired of seeing all the stains on the carpet and bathroom that they created

i am tired of listening to them yell at each other all the time

i am tired of listening to crack head katie ceaseless monolougues about the SAME FUCKING THING!

i am tired of crack head jeff getting everything out to get something to eat and then forgetting about it and leaving all the shit there

along with all their nasty ass food remants (milkshakes left on the counter for 2 DAYS) augh

so much mroe shit

i can keep going

but i dont want to cause aughauhgauhguahguahguhuahga

they piss me offf

....

*glares*

i am tired of tons of people on livejournal that are all perfect and so fucking wonderful and lovely and make me want to puke

*glares*

im hungry

............

anywho

christopher has been teh sweetest to me... so perfect

got me something tasty to drink and took me to the library to buy some of their books they were selling without me even having to ask on monday &hearts

mmmmmmmmmmm

school sucks... i have till july to talk to a counselor and apply to Portland State University and i tried to apply but it costs 50 bucks that i don'yt ahve so

augh

i dunnos

im done done done done

.................................its not like anyone cares anyway

i wouldnt

im fucking lame

sometimes i jsut feel so dirty and unclean and i jsut want to curl up in a ball adn close all the window shades and starve myself to death.

but then i remember my Christopher.... i don't know what i would do without him... he is truly all i ahve left now.

opiumchild @ 2009-04-29T15:28:00

2009-04-29T23:01:48Z

You Believe that Love is Admiration

When you think of love, you think of being with the person you cherish the most.

In love, you see things how they could be. You are wrapped up in your own dreams.

If you are in love, you want the whole world to know it. You don't hold back with letting people know.

You are patient in love. You are willing to wait for the right person and the right time.

The Rose Test

You Are Vitamin A

You see the world vividly. You are a very visual person, and you pay special attention to colors.
And while you appreciate a sunny, beautiful day - you also like the subtle visuals of night.

You are youthful both in appearance and spirit. You are likely healthier than average.
You shine brightly and are best in small doses. Too much of your company can be overwhelming and even dangerous.

What Vitamin Are You?

You Are Very Passionate

You like people, but you're careful about who you get close to. Friendship is important to you... so important that you aren't just friends with anyone.

You fall in love with ease and confidence. Even if you've had bad experiences in the past, each new love is a reason to start completely over.

You are a passionate person. You are free wheeling, fun loving, and ruled by your emotions.

Your sense of humor is very physical. Your facial expressions or spot on imitations of people are hilarious.

The Beach Test

You Are the Heart Chakra

You are loving, kind, and empathetic. You feel for the world, and you truly value peace.
You have many close relationships, and you work hard to make them harmonious.

You are accepting and understanding. You are tolerant of all sorts of viewpoints, even if you don't agree with them.
You are very forgiving. When you love someone, your love is unconditional.

What Chakra Are You?

You Are Lingerie

You love to be seen as attractive. Being seen as sexy is important to you.
You drive everyone crazy... in the best way possible.

You love to tease, flirt, and fall in love.
You are the type most likely to be sleeping in someone else's bed.

What Kind of Pajamas Are You?

You Are Chili Peppers

You are smokin' hot, and you can't help heat up everyone else around you.
It's not unusual for you to make people flushed and excited. You flaunt your sexuality.

You awaken primal urges that people didn't know they had. You bring out the inner wild animal.
When it comes to seduction, you just go for it. You have no fear.

What Aphrodisiac Are You?

You Are Cute-Sexy!

You are definitely attractive, and you have an interesting mix of sexiness and cuteness.
You are both hot and quirky. Gorgeous and silly. Charming and natural.

You are not so in-your-face sexy that you're unapproachable. You tone things down a bit.
More than anything else, you are real and genuine. And that makes you truly captivating.

Are You Cute or Sexy?

Your Sensuality Score is: 75%

You taste, smell, feel, see, and hear more strongly than most people.
Even the smallest sensual act can be quite divine for you.

You are a hedonist. You like to experience it all... whether it's food, art, music, or sex.
If you're not careful, you're apt to overindulge or get addicted to a certain pleasure.

How Sensual Are You?

You Are 56% Pure

You're not so innocent... in fact, you're quite unpure.
You have seen and experienced a lot. And you're no worse for the wear!

The 100 Question Purity Test

Your Heart Takes Love Lightly

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

You Are Hesitant in Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.

You tend to give more than take in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

It's Rather Easy For You to Fall in Love

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves.

You've been deeply wounded in the past, and you're still recovering from that hurt.

It's important to you that your lover is very attractive. You like to have someone to show off.

In fights, you are able to walk away and calm down. You are able to weather the storm.

You have a hard time ending relationships, even if the other person says it's over.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

i just have to say this one was super accurate... i jsut ahd a dream about paul again last night and all those feelings of hurt and betrayal came back :/
but at elast the though of chris was with me in teh dream to guard against falling for him again.

Your Soul is Welcoming

You are a warm hearted and open minded person. It's easy for you to forgive and forget.

You are not a very grounded person. You prefer dreams to reality. For you, it's all about possibilities.

You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself.

Your near future is a lot like the present, and as far as you're concerned, that's a very good thing.

For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

wow

so i went super overboard on the tests hahaha

i jsut wish i had something better to do

but i dont not really

augh

jsut 30 more mins.

opiumchild @ 2009-04-27T07:54:00

2009-04-27T14:55:10Z

its one of those lovely days again...

i jsut want to delete everything

opiumchild @ 2009-04-20T11:11:00

2009-04-20T18:29:04Z

mmmmmmm

today

is blue sky beautiful

so was yesterday
and the day before that

&hearts

chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

i love the smells of spring and summer

freshly mowed grass
the dew from the morning
the water sprinklers and the rainbows in them as you pass by
the smells of flowers and trees giving life to everything that they surround

augh i love it so much

the feeling of sunshine pouring down on me
liquid life and purification

a myriad of green and blue and pink and yellow and orange

AUGH

i &hearts it sooooooooooooooooooo much

soft petals brushing against your arm like
the sweetest kisses

*melts*

i feel like a cat
i just want to lay in the grass and smell the flowers and roll around in the sunshine
chase after butterflies and dragonflies

IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

------------------------------------------------------------------

cut scene

------------------------------------------------------------------

people are strange
very very strange

i feel bad, because i judged someone last term
she was hispanic and looked preppy
and i didnt want anything to do with her because i thought we would have nothing in common

but she is sooooooooooo sweet and i adore her...

frankly i absolutely adore my group in my math class
especially amanda because we can talk talk talk all the time
about silly shit
and make comments that we both get

mmmmmmmmmmmm

i was super pissed off Saturday
but i couldn't manage it on Sunday.. everything was perfect, Chris paid my phone bill without lecturing me, we went to New Seasons to get my hardcore apricot scrub and they discontinued it and it was sooo sweet, he didnt want to give up and searched all the aisles for it, but when we found out they no longer selled it he took me to Fred Meyer and checked the bottles for the harshest scrub they had... and he never bothers to check, its always "look for the cheapest price" and "grab it and go" whereas im the type of person that wants to smell all the different shampoos and body wash adn lotions so it was sweet that he did all that looking for me :D
and then we went and got Bento
and it was so beautiful

it was one of those days that i wish i could just press "save" and keep it with me forever

like when i first moved in with Chris at our old old apartment... the one on the top floor with the vaulted ceiling adn the balcony surrounded by trees
i used to wake up in the sunshine and go outside and pcik blackberries, then come back adn lay on the couch with the ceiling fan blowing a gentle wind on me nad the patio door open so i oculd smell all the delicious summerness nad curl up in one of his shirts and eat the blackberries while i read Count of Monte Cristo and listened to Mad T.V.

i wish i could live in that moment forever

or the first date i had with chris when we went to get Teriyaki and then walked around the wilderness park and wwe saw the cat hiding in the grass adn i took pictures of him and the cat

its jsut those moments of pure happiness and peace and contentment

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

it's one of those days

i don't care about anything

everything is fine fine fine

*dances*

You Are Dusk

You are a naturally idealistic and creative person. You look forward to nights where everything is possible.
You spend most of your energy on play. Work is okay, but the true you emerges after the work day is done.

You're an offbeat type that doesn't like rules or schedules. Life's too short to waste at a desk in a cube.
Whether you spend your night socializing or working on side projects, you like that your time is yours.

Are You Dusk or Dawn?

You Want to Impress People You Know

You want friends and family to think you're beautiful. You mostly focus on inner beauty and being a good person.

You want your friends and family members to think you're smart. You like been seen as insightful and wise.

You are at your most playful when you are around family and friends. You are more serious around people you don't know well.

You let strangers see parts of you right away, but you believe in keeping some things private.

You are open to becoming close to people, but it takes some time. You don't let just anyone in.

Who Do You Want to Impress?

You Are a Lynx

You are a quiet observer of the world around you. Your wisdom comes from listening carefully.
You've always been extra sensitive and aware. And it's made it difficult for you to fit in.

You see past people's outward personas. You are able to penetrate a stranger's soul.
What you've learned about people is both beautiful and ugly. And you keep these secrets to yourself.

What Big Cat Are You?

You Are a Painting

You are a passionate person. You see the emotional undertones that others miss.
Compared to other people, you are sentimental. You allow yourself to feel everything.

Believe that art should capture the beauty and mood of a moment.
The best art speaks to your heart. It makes you smile, dream, or even cry.

What Type of Art Are You?

Who Should Paint You: Pablo Picasso

Your an expressive soul who shows many emotions, with many subtleties
Only a master painter could represent your glorious contradictions

What Artist Should Paint Your Portrait?

You Are Ballet

You are quite introverted. You enjoy keeping to yourself and cultivating your talents.

You are dedicated and focused. If practice makes perfect, you're willing to keep practicing.

While some people may dismiss you as boring, you can be quite edgy and interesting.

You can fit in almost anywhere... and your style ranges from conservative to funky.

What Dance Are You?

You Should Light a Lavender Candle

You are sensitive yet resilient. You are spiritual and emotional, but you aren't fragile.
In your group of friends, you are the intuitive one. You understand and empathize with others.

You're the type of person who appreciates beauty. You see can see hope and potential.
You genuinely kind and nurturing. You don't like conflict or chaos. You only want peace.

What Scent Candle Should You Light?

i wish i was good enough...

opiumchild @ 2009-04-13T15:27:00

2009-04-13T22:40:47Z

soooooooooo

im totally
madly
indescribably

in love

with my new default picture!
&hearts

i saw it on a complete whim adn was like...... thats the one

&hearts

tee hee hee
i like it a lots

*nods*

anywhoooooo

Friday was one of the most miserable days of my life. I had to work closing, and when i get there Melissa (the manager) told me i would ahve to be main cashier because Megan called in sick *coffcoffBULLSHITcoffcoff* and so it would be me and Nicole doing EVERYTHING- cashiering, answering the phones, helping customers on the floor, store recovery, go-backs... EVERYTHING augh... i was like.... you have to be fucking kidding me

and to make it worse
it was one of the busiest nights that week...

yay

and the creepy retarded guy (i think he's retarded but im not sure, maybe hes a crack head, or just really really really fucking eccentric i dunnos) who shows up like every week dressed the same and buys the same thing and always looks really disgusting and gross but anywho
he ALWAYS hits on me...
but this time, it went a little too far
after i rang his pen up he moved to the front of customer service and for 15 MINUTES just STARED at me... oooo i got creeped out sooooo bad. Nicole felt so bad she later told Sharon about it and Sharon said next time that happens to call her and she'll get me away from the registers so i won't have to deal with him anymore.
After that, it was asshole customer after asshole customer, after asshole customer, and Connie P (the closing manager) said she had no idea how i was able to handle all that and i kept my composure well
then Chris picks me up and starts BITCHING cause he had to wait 20 mins outside the store and i jsut started bawling... and he still hasnt apologized, because he thinks he was in the right for getting mad at me

fucking scorpios

saturday wasnt as bad. i got called in early so i had to work an 8 hour shift, and i was supposed to be the main cashier but i guess Connie P told Sharon and Melissa about Friday night and they felt bad for me so they made me be the last cashier to call for back-up which was badassssssssssssssssssssssssss :D

sunday was alright... i was hungover and it was raining but i still got my chocolate easter bunny yeyyyahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
but chris got drunk and became annoying
and my sister called and was drunk too and started crying
ugh

guhuahuadhisjahvfkcnsaofhvpd;mkxcpsd

im jsut chilling wiating for chris to pick me up

i had some stuff to say
but im losing it

i wish i could be more of a people person. i feel so bad when someone from my class tries to start a conversation with me and hang out with me and im trying my best to run away... and then i see them later and they smile for me and start walking towards me adn i duck inside the bathroom like a dumbass bitch

which i am

augh i hate feeling guilty all the time

i need to lsoe weight cause i can't look at myself naked in the mirror any more

maybe when i do me and chris will have sex more. i feel so bad about denying him, but i can't stand to be touched when i feel so gross.

not like our sex life sucks... but we used to ahve sex almost 2-3 times a day and now its jsut a few times a week :/

i dunnos

lallaallalalalala

i like my group in my math class
they are sweet and the girl i sit next to doesn't try to be my best friend which is chill, but we still get a long well enough to talk constantly
so that makes me happy :)

i want to feel pretty again

i want to become one with my Christopher
i want our heartbeats to become one
i want our blood to run together
i want to sleep inside his eyes.

opiumchild @ 2009-04-08T10:34:00

2009-04-08T17:37:37Z

augh

here i am

skipping class

being super emo

lallalala

the sun has been shining all weekend and monday and tuesday and now its gone gone gone hiding its brilliant face behind the gray dour tones of the clouds

rain will probably come soon

i want to dance in the golden beams of sunshine again

but i cant

oh well

*sigh*

i was super late for class so i decided not to go

then i have to get to my car by 12 so i can re-buy another fucking parking ticket for another 3 bucks... all day pass my ass motherfuckers

aguh

my head hurts

im slightly hungry

i found a textbook online for 1 dollar and am debating whether or not its for real *bites lip*

augh

today jsut feels like shit.

kajjshdfiuafhvsdo nsakdjfhvfo

2009-03-30T21:55:31Z

Aesthetic
You appreciate art, beauty, and design; you know that they are not superficial but absolutely crucial to living the good life. You have good taste, and you're proud of it.

You don't think it's pretentious to be moved by art and beauty. You're not one of those who believe it doesn't matter what something looks like as long as it does its job.

Those with a high score on the "aesthetic" trait are often employed in literary or artistic professions, enjoy domestic activities — doing things around the house — and are enthusiastic about the arts, reading, and travel.

Arbitrary
You believe life can be fairly random, and trying to impose a tight little grid on it is a waste of time - your conclusion: relax. Things will work out (or not). No need to get ultra-logical about everything.

You do not believe that everything has a logical explanation or that every problem has a logical solution.

Curious
You like to get to the bottom of things. You're not content knowing what someone did; you want to know why they did it.

You don't simply take things as they are and move on; you're not content skimming along on the surface; you don't feel you're wasting time by digging for the meaning of things.

Introspective
You like your own company; you're a very interesting person. Tracking your own mental processes, knowing what you're thinking and why you do what you do, is important to you. Often, what's going on in your mind is more compelling than what's going on outside.

You are not someone who is constantly looking to be among a group of friends; you never feel bored when you are by yourself.

For the most part, those with a high score on the "introspective" trait enjoy reading, taking long walks, learning new things, and other solitary activities.

Intellectual
You are thoughtful, rational, and comfortable in the world of ideas. People find you interesting to talk to. You're the living embodiment of the saying "You learn something new every day."

You do not avoid abstract conversation, experimenting with new ideas, or studying new things. It bores you to stick to the straight and narrow of what you already know.

In general, those with a high score on the "intellectual" trait are employed in such fields as teaching and research, and are enthusiastic about reading, foreign films, and classical music.

Original
You are constantly coming up with new ideas. For you, the world as it exists is just a jumping-off place; what's going on inside your mind is often more interesting than what's going on outside.

You don't feel that the road to success is to be a realist and stick to the program; you never stop yourself from coming up with new ideas or telling the world what you're thinking about.

Cooperative
You enjoy teamwork, play well with others, and prefer getting along to winning.

You're not compelled to win every contest nor to be right all the time.

Tender
You are gentle with others, both physically and emotionally. You are careful not to upset people and go out of your way to find the nicest way to say something. You naturally focus on the fact that the world is full of wonderful people, places, and things.

You don't think of yourself as tough-minded or gruff, nor do you need to be seen as some kind of objective source of truth and rationality.

More often than not, people with a high score on the "tender" trait enjoy spending time with children, love romantic movies, and are enthusiastic about making the world a better place.

Rash
You get excited easily, allow yourself to react without censoring your feelings, and sometimes blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

You generally don't consider what you're about to say before you open your mouth to speak.

Emotional
You let it all hang out, and those around you always know what you're going through.

You are not isolated from your emotions; no one would call you "cold-blooded," or even "cool as a cucumber."

You Scored as Type Four - The Individualist

At your best, you are self-revealing, emotionally honest, and true to yourself; very passionate about your relationships and your inner self. Typically, you take a romantic and artistic approach to life, and intensify reality through fantasy. You try to always stay in touch with your feelings, which means that you can easily become hypersensitive and intense, taking everything personally. This leads to great emotional vulnerability and feelings of being an "outsider"; withdrawing from others to protect yourself. At your worst, you reject anyone or anything that does not support your own self image, and grow increasingly dependent on a very few things or people to maintain your present way of life. Your primary fear is having no identity or personal significance. Your primary desire is to be yourself.

Type Four - The Individualist
90%
Type Five - The Investigator
80%
Type Two - The Helper
70%
Type Nine - The Peacemaker
68%
Type Six - The Loyalist
68%
Type One - The Reformer
58%
Type Three - The Acheiver
53%
Type Seven - The Enthusiast
50%
Type Eight - The Challenger
48%

You Scored as Sexual

Sexual people feel a need to experience intensity and can be drawn or repelled like magnets to or away from things and people, and vice versa. They are very passionate in relationships.

Sexual
83%
Self preservational
72%
Social
69%

You Scored as Pisces: the Fish

Pisces, the twelfth sign of the zodiac, is concerned with: * compassion, sympathy, love, altruism * dreams, the psychic, clairvoyance, sixth sense * illusions, magic, film, fantasy, make-believe * art, drama, music, poetry, prose, dance * unusual talent, memory, wisdom, versatility * sensitivity, intuition, humor, satire * secrets, fulfillment of life, eternity

Pisces: the Fish
83%
Libra: the Scales
80%
Leo: the Lion
78%
Cancer: the Crab
70%
Scorpio: the Scorpion
65%
Sagittarius: the Archer
63%
Gemini: the Twins
60%
Aquarius: the Water-Bearer
60%
Aries: The Ram
50%
Taurus: The Bull
48%
Virgo: the Virgin
35%
Capricorn: the Goat
35%

You Are Chirping Birds

You are a very caring person. You especially feel for innocent beings, like animals and children.
You are keyed in to the world and very peaceful. You believe that everyone is connected.

You remain focused and in the moment. You are not easily distracted.
You have a good memory, especially for things that you hear. You listen carefully.

What Part of Spring Are You?

sooooo

spring break was interesting

...........

NOT!!!!!!!!!!!

i was bored out of my mind! i had absolutely nothing to do or watch or play... my attention span was at -1000 and i couldnt concentrate on anything and everything was boring to me and the house was so empty and i felt like i was jsut going to explode

auhguahguhaughauhguahugah

its not that i needed someone to entertain me

i jsut needed something NEW

id already read all ym books a million times
played the same games a million times
i never have the attention span to watch t.v. but even that was super boring and id seen it all
i was going to paint but SOMEONE had conviently moved them to a shelf i couldnt reach since im only what... 5 ft?

augh

*glares*

i got to see my sister on friday... i almost smoked pot

but i didnt

i wanted to sooooooooooooooooooooooo bad... the very idea of it was eating away at my brain but i told myself that Chris would be mad if i did, and i promised him (well i actually never promised io wouldn't but its one of those things that is understood) that i wouldnt smoke unless he was there and smoked too, and i kept thinking "just one hit just one itty bitty hit, he'll never know" but my heart said "SHUT UP!!! you have to have your integrity! how can you claim to be loyal and what not if you let drugs take over your promise!"

so i didnt

*pats self on back*

mmmmmm not much happened that week...

saturday sucked. i had to work all day then Chris calls and is hammered and is all like "ooooooooo cna you pick me up at josh's even though you can't really see in the darkl much less drive but its ok because i jsut bought a psp for you so ill use that as collateral to get you to pick my drunk ass up and deal with me"
actually he didnt say that but that was the situation...
i finally got to Josh's and they were eating nachos and there were 2 18 packs of beer emptied and a pipe on the table and i clammed up and barely talked and Josh adn Chris kept bugging me to drink a beer and to eat nachos and blah blah blah
Josh was all like "why arent you talking you always talk you hate me huh"
and i was like LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE
but i jsut smiled and remained sweet... but quiet... like i always get when im upset or shy

then me and chris went home and got in a HUGE fight which ended with me sleeping on the couch and him locking the bedroom door

in his defense though i was being a brat... but nevermind that :P

ill jsut blame it on his drunkness *nods* hahahaa

and i had to listen to Katie and Jeff have sex for what felt like 4 hours but was prolly only like 1 hour which was miserable

but it was so sweet, Chris came down and got me around 3am and picked me up when i refused to get up and carried me to the bedroom
actually that didnt happen i did get up but pretended to be super sleepy and had him help me up the stair but it sounds more romantic the first time hahaha
anywho he al cuddles up to me and kisses my nexk and tells me he missed me nad after that we are all fine and dandy

and i have a PSP woo hoo yeyyyyyyyahhhhhhhhhh

*does a little dance*

my tampons are killing my ovaries

uhm....

ha

school finally started but my one class starts at 12 and Chris usually calls me around 12:20 so im going to miss his calls on Monday and WEdnesday
and i have to work later so i prolly wont get to talk to him till 6 something which will be almost 12 hours of not speaking to him which SUCKS becuase im a total dependant nutcase that needs him by my side 24/7
*sigh*
im gonna see if i can get someone to switch their thursday shift with my wednesday shift so i can see him then since he doesnt have to work then

i finally got over 20 hours this week for work but ive been contemplating burning the building down

*strokes chin*
'
augh

my insides are dying

and out.

opiumchild @ 2009-03-17T14:02:00

2009-03-17T21:03:18Z

uhm... i wish i had more time

ill prolly walk to the library sometime this week

i didnt get internet :(

opiumchild @ 2009-03-12T12:36:00

2009-03-12T19:38:28Z

ahahha im such a dork

augh

so ive flaked out on my finals

seriously

procrastination has bit me in the ass

but do i care

*bites lip and thinks and tries to feel in teh deep heart*

mmm

no

not really

ahhahahaha

so i totally cut my hair...

its shorter than my shoulders!
i ahve to get it fixed Friday though
cause chris cut it when we were drunk adn you can tell

................

internet people are coming over today

yeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh

ahhahahahahaa

school sucks

im obsessed with my personality and how fucking rad i am

and uhm

yeah

opiumchild @ 2009-03-10T15:16:00

2009-03-10T22:32:46Z

You Are a Bay

You are a blissful, peaceful person. Some might call you spiritual.

You are easy-going and tranquil. You take solace in life's sweet moments.

You are sentimental and open-hearted. You love many people, places, and things.

You try to live an enlightened life. You are benevolent, noble, and intuitive.

What Body of Water Are You?

You Are the Heart Chakra

You are loving, kind, and empathetic. You feel for the world, and you truly value peace.

You have many close relationships, and you work hard to make them harmonious.

You are accepting and understanding. You are tolerant of all sorts of viewpoints, even if you don't agree with them.

You are very forgiving. When you love someone, your love is unconditional.

What Chakra Are You?

for me

You Are Sunny and Inspiring

When You Are Comfortable:

You are quite quirky, and you enjoy doing things your own way. You are optimistic, and you've always got a good idea brewing.

People find you to be positive and uplifting. You make people feel good about themselves.

When You Are At Your Best:

You are a sensitive, gentle soul. You want to save the world... or as much of it as possible.

People see you as unselfish and well mannered. You truly enjoy being around others, and it shows.

When You Are in a Social Setting:

<
You are a shy, quiet person. Underneath your shell, you are compassionate and giving.

People find you to be friendly and welcoming. Your home is a place of comfort to them.

What Do Your Initials Say About You?

for chris

You Are Lighthearted and Hilarious

When You Are Comfortable:

You are a carefree, adventurous person. You love excitement, and you enjoy being in a changing, dynamic environment.

People find you to be funny, generous, and competent. You're well spoken, and you know how to wow people with your words.

When You Are At Your Best:

You are a determined and responsible. You strive for success, and you know what it takes to get things done.

People find you to be trustworthy and a good leader. You treat people well, and they benefit from your wisdom.

When You Are in a Social Setting:

You are a powerful, competitive person. While you want to succeed, you are also able to find balance in your life.

People see you as self-sufficient. They are impressed by how much you are able to do on your own.

What Do Your Initials Say About You?

ahahaha weirddddd

auhg

thefucking computers here keep freezing

the print screen button isnt working

i cant work on it wednesday

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

i hate finals week

opiumchild @ 2009-03-09T11:09:00

2009-03-09T18:38:27Z

mmmm

i get internet on thursday officially now

fucking sweet

....

i cant go to the plaid pantry near my house anymore...
or
at least i dont want to

i went there on friday to get some rockstars adn paper towels so i could start cleaning up the house and that one guy (Monti i think his name is) was there and i know he has a crush on me but i try to pretend that i don't notice it so it's not as awkward

but then he starts calling me "Emily" out of nowhere... and i'm like... errr i never told you my name....creep.... so dont call me by it
but i didnt say that
instead i jsut smile and give short replies to all of his fucking questions
i dont like to be rude
but then he starts trying to get all personal "who was that girl you came in with last week? where do you work? what do you do on your weekends? how come you dont like drama if youre a girl?" etc etc etc
im all like "uhmmm i dont know" or "you know the usual" etc.. for most of his replies

so i really dont think im leading him on

and then he kept trying to talk to me while i was browsing through their cleaning stuff adn i wanted to say "OMG i am NOT fucking interested in you or anything you have to say, i don't like you breathing down my neck and making me feel super self-conscious, and i don't want to be forced to be rude so stop pushing me! let me just be my quiet, shy, sweet and uncomplicated self!"

so i go to check out and im not even looking at him while im answering his questions

then he says "so what are you gonna do tonight?" and i said "oh who knows...."
*cringe* damnit damnit damnit dont say it

but he does

"would you like to hang out with me tonight?"
*flight response kicks in*
"errr nooo i cant" *grabs shit and leaves*

augh

aughghghghghhghgghhgg

it might not be so bad but he is ALWAYS there... i swear the guy fucking lives there during the week.. i know he is there around 7 am till at least 4 pm... omg prolly later and eariler then that too!

so its like fuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

augh

i hate when guys try to make a move on me... like that guy i smoked the pot with in last august... he was all like "listen to my musics!" and practically puts the damn headphones on my ears, and i dont want to be rude and be all like "HOLY SHIT did i come here to talk to you?!? no, i didnt im here for Haley so why are YOU up my ass???!!!!" but instead im like "oh yeah, this is a nice song" takes off headphones...
then i go out for a smoke and he follows me out there and asks if i like green so im like... "mmm maybe jsut a hit" so i take only 1 or 2 hits from the pipe (i thought it was okay to do this since there was another girl and some other guys and it wasnt anything personal adn we were all jsut hanging outside the restaurant smoking)
and then we go back in and he keeps trying to buy me a drink and i tell him "No thank you, waters fine" and i try to elave and he gets up with his friend to elave with me adn walks me to my car and asks me out

i told him that "no, sorry, i have a boyfriend and he wouldnt want me to hang out with another guy" and he said "oh its cool we can jsut be friends"

*glares*.... "no, nice to meet you, bye"

so tell me... HOW THE FUCK AM I A TEASE!

i've been told that before, but its like fuck! jsut cause im shy and polite and i have a little girl voice and i might laugh at your stupid jokes DOES NOT mean that im really in any way vaguely interested in you

augh

boys

suck

anywhoooooooooo

so i dont want to go to that plaid pantry anymore... even though it only takes me like 5 mins to walk there and is hella convienent

augh

i feel bad though! you know, like its not his fault but why why why why cant they leave well enough alone!

'*galres adn pouts*

ugh

AND THEN

my sister totally ditched me saturday

but whatever

i think its cause i came on too strong

:/

i got real pissed at jeff and katie though. so did chris.
yesterday for dinner they gave them BREADSTICKS for DINNER! that's it... jsut breadsticks

i was in shock

me and chris went outside for a smoke adn he was MAD about it... i saw him glaring at the table and i asked what was wrong adn he said "i dont want to talk about it" so i said "is it the same thing im mad about?" and he shrugged so i told him to whisper it in my ear and he said "i dont want to even put it into words" and then he said... "maybe we can make them a sandwhich, or some ramen, or some eggs..." and i was totally cool with that because they NEED something more sustainable then fucking breadsticks... so Jeff comes outside and Chris tells him that ill make the kids something to eat and Jeff was all like "no, no no no no no they dont need anything else"

*glares*

are you serious?

i ask the girls if they wanted something to eat and they just gave me really sad looking faces and said that they were full and went upstairs... :(

and iw as mad at Katie becasue her odlest Jessica who doesn't really live with ehr was there, and Katie jsut sent her upstairs and is was like a flashback to my mom and i was jsut so dissapointed

some people dont really deserve to have children if they are jsut going to neglect them emotionally.

augh

AUGH

but it was so cute.. .Cheyenne adores me (she's the one with trich) and she saw me when she walked in the hosue and said "Emowy? can you untie my shoos pwease?" and my heart melted... i said "of course sweetheart :)" and she gave me a hug... it was so sweet...

*melts*

i love children.

opiumchild @ 2009-03-05T12:38:00

2009-03-05T20:44:45Z

augh... too many people in the library

it is making me all self-conscious adn paranoid like i have to have the open window down in the very bottom corner adn i augh.. i jsut dont like the feeling of having people constantly walk by me adn behind me and around me

all the noise is jsut chaos

chris called while i was on the comp and so i went out in the commons to talk to him... i had the screen set on "take a break" mode, so the screen goes green and there is a counter that shows how long you've been away from it, and i was only gone 3 minutes to talk to chris and i come back adn some guy is at my computer and trying to log me out... i was like uhmmmm excuse me? im sitting here, jsut in case you didnt notice the big green screen with the counter and the notice saying someone was already logged in... and he was all like "oh i didnt realize that anyone was sitting here"

okay... so you must've missed my big black Beatles bag that was sitting on the chair too...

how rude

anywho

i think chris is seeing where im coming from when i say im concerned about Jeff. Jay mentioned it when he came over on friday and said that Jeff's actions were a bit suspicious, and then the other night someone called Jeff and he went outside for like 2 minutes then came back inside and took Katie upstairs right after...

very suspicious

and Chris can't stand Katie either... he's starting to call them "the Others"

omg... i swear, i jsut can't be around ehr for very long... she DRAINS me... you know how they say introverts feel drained around people? well she drains me in less then 20 minutes.. thats how bad it is..

augh

and we arent getting internet...

i got lazy and forgot to call them on monday adn so now chris doesnt want to get it anymore... i dunos

blah blah blah

i had something else to say but its gone gone gone

akduuhafhaslkdnsuidvholk.

2009-03-02T22:09:36Z

AUGGHGHGHghgg

*pulls out hair*

that BITCH is out to get me!!!!!!!!

i don't see why everyone likes her and thinks she is sooooooooooooo fucking awesome... i see through that bullshit facade of hers

its like... she has this group of people... they all worship adn adore each other and are like "oh we are soooo fucking wonderful and lalala" yet they are all a bunch of bullshiters that are trying to corrupt ........

and .......... is a part of it all

*glares defiantly*

im on to her....

oh and BTW the EASTER BUNNY rocks my fucking socks off!!!

so there

>:P
(it looks cute but its supposed to be scary)

augh

but i still love youse

*smells some flowers and calms down*

so...

i almost didn't write anything today cuase i didnt know what to write. i had a lot of things to say but they didnt want to come out until now...maybe its cause im hungry and i dont want to write my paper

*sighs*

soooooooo Friday SUCKED

....augh
im psychotic.

i got stuck with Jeff's girlfriend Katie almost the entire day...
she
never
shut
the
fuck
up

it was all "drama drama drama ex husband is a dick drama drama drama blah blah blah jeff is an asshole but i lvoe him anyway dramablahdramablah look at all my bruises (and she was like SHOWING THEM OFF!!!!! i couldnt beleive it! i was like "why are you letting this shit happen???")aughauhguahguhaugha...apparently she is a masochist or something *shrugs*

it just kept going on for hours

i dont think she even stopped to breathe...
and she says she puts her kid Cheyenne (who has trich and adhd) on meds so that way she'll jsut sit in front of the t.v. and not bother her
and i couldnt believe it! i was like "well go take her to the park or something, shit she just needs to have her energy released its healthy!"

but nooooooooooooooooooooooo
shed rather bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
exhusband this/ child services that/ jeff this/drugs that blah blah blah

aughauhguahguahugahuag

omg... i talked maybe... 15-20 mins out of 6 hours...

it was horrible

then chris gets home and im like sweetheart... get me something to drink... im bleeding like a dying person, im agitated to full extent, im fucking bored
and he's like "oh i have to go see my dad tomorrow"
so i was like ok whatever
then he goes out and gets fucking burritos for dinner!
i HATE HATE HATE mexican food when im in a bad mood... it was all beans and wilted lettuce and i started to gag so i was mad about that... and i unleashed it on chris

but then jay adn brandy and her SLUTSKANKWHORECUNT friend Erin (the one who chris smoked the ciggarette with) came over with some champagne and we had mimosa's and i wanted to point my finger adn be like "ahahhahahahahahhaha i rock and you suck!!!" at the Erin girl cause i saw her keep trying to catch Chris's attention and trying to sit near him but he would sit by me and never once glanced in her direction so i was like
awwwww... good boy &hearts

i know that she is ugly, and she says more retarded things then i do, and her personality is the equivalent of a beach ball, but still... i get territorial i can't help it

then SATURDAY
i had to work. and my car got broken into AGAIN

so i was super pissed about that

but jeff convinced Chris into getting me my smirnoffs i had been waiting for since Valentine's day when everybody drank mine and i didnt get any even though chris bought them for me *glares* and so that was that... we drank some and watched t.v.

then SUNDAY was going soooooooooo wonderfully
we woke up and went to get groceries and i asked chris if i could get some seaweed and he gave me some shit about it so i figured it meant no cause whenever i ask for things (i cant help it that i like fruity pebbles and ice cream :( :P) he ALWAYS says no... so i get all pouty and we get in the car and he asks what was wrong adn i told him and it was sooooo sweet.... :D :D

he said "ohhh sweetheart.... im so sorry, you should have reminded me i wasn't even thinking" and it was so genuine *melts* so we went to albertsons but they didnt have nay seaweed, then we went to the asian store but they were closed so i never got any but it was so sweet that he felt bad about it cause i dunnos, it means he cares i guess :)

so we went home adn i full scale cleaned the house all perfect like adn we were being all lovey dovey for the rest of the day

UNTIL
he said something stupid about us ahving sex in teh car... and i was like "i dont think i remember that" and he got all pissy adn was like "how many cars have you had sex in blah blahb labh" and making me sound like a total slut... adn then telling me that i was lying about something i dont know

so we started fighting adn it jsut got worse and then he thought he was being playful while he was wrestling me but i was PISSED

adn so i almost slept on the couch but he came and got me when he heard me crying and told me to stop slamming things

it was sweet-ish

but we are all good now

i jsut have a bad temper

and im really fucking hungry so i think im jsut gonna say fuck it if i lsoe the computer

much lvoe &hearts

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

and i cant beleive i forgot to mention this

chris says i can call comacast to ge tthem to installl INTERNETTTTTTTT

Fuckin sweet right?

ahahha yesssssssss

he says im not allowed to go on livejournal or myspace but pgpfppfpfpftt

what he doesnt know wont hurt him ;)

hes gonna hook up the playstation in the computer room so that way we can chill out and play games together :D

sometiems i jsut want to get high

2009-02-26T23:37:25Z

i almost deleted everything

but luckily

or... maybe luckily

i left and went home before i let the thoughts destroy everything again

..........................

i should be better to Chris
im tired of acting so spoiled
jsut because im having that lovely time of month and craving sweetness to an extent that my mind feels like its going to explode without it doesnt mean i have to give him the silent treatment

*sigh*

im fucking crazy sometimes

i wish someone would tell me something nice without me having to ask for it

how come no one likes me

am i that standoffish? i try to be nice, but i dunnos... maybe its my insecurities thinking that everybody sees my comments and wishes i would dissapear

i

dont like it when people i like
like people
i dont like

it makes me uneasy inside

i ahve books at the library

maybe i can con Chris into taking me there to pick them up &hearts

i cant wait till he proposes to me

jeff's probation officers came by yesterday

that was strange

i was the only one there and had to answer all the questions

kinda freeeeaaakkkkyyyyy

i want some pomegranite smirnofffs

anywho

im done being

mmmmmmmmmmmm

so blah and melancholy

but im afraid if im smily and happy ill lose all the beauty

but maybe i wont

i miss painting. and drawing. and coloring. and losing myself in music.

sometimes i just want to get really fucking high.

opiumchild @ 2009-02-24T15:11:00

2009-02-24T23:40:59Z

You Are Somewhat Assertive

You are as assertive as you're comfortable with - which ends up being not that assertive.

You will tell people what you want, but only in so many words. You're not very direct.

Try being a little more straightforward, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

As long as you're polite and honest, being more assertive will improve your relationships... and your life.

How Assertive Are You?

You Are Peanut Butter and Jelly

When you're stressed out, you seek food that evokes good memories.

More than anything, change tends to wig you out. And during those times, you crave what you know.

You take solace in things that remind you of a more innocent, happier time.

When it comes to comfort food, there's no such thing as too simple. Peanut butter and jelly totally fits the bill!

What Comfort Food Are You?

You Are Sun

You have a past history of being secretive and deceptive.

You're the type of person who will protect yourself at all costs.

While you can be crafty when you need to, you are usually giving, friendly, and likable.

You truly care for other people, and you are very sensitive.

People tend to underestimate you. You seem like a fragile flower, but you're not.

You are gutsy and clever. You have a way of getting what you want without anyone noticing.

Who Are You on LOST?

Your Love is Represented by a Orange Rose

When you're in love, you tend to be overwhelmed and consumed by desire.

You develop fascinations with people easily, and they're sometimes even borderline obsessions!

You tend to come on strong. Your love is as hot as a flame.

What Rose Represents Your Love?

You Are A Lily

You are a nurturer and all around natural therapist.

People see you as their rock. And they are able to depend on you.

You are a soothing influence. You can make people feel better with a few words.

Your caring has more of an impact than even you realize.

What Flower Are You?

You Are a Dark Red Rose

You represent unconscious beauty and deep passion.

Your vibe: sophisticated and worldly

Falling in love with you is: wildly carnal and forbidden

What Color Rose Are You?

You Are a Blue Flower

A blue flower tends to represent peace, openness, and balance.

At times, you are very delicate like a cornflower.

And at other times, you are wise like an iris.

And more than you wish, you're a little cold, like a blue hydrangea.

What Color Flower Are You?

Your Power Bird is a Dove

Deep and emotional, you can connect well with almost any living creature.

You bring hope and optimism to any dire situation.

You are both gentle and affectionate with everyone you love.

Truly nurturing, most people consider you to be a mother figure.

What's Your Power Bird?

Your Dreams Are a Warning

Your dreams seem to show that you're very preoccupied with your fears and problems.

These bad dreams indicate that you need to spend more time on your issues during the day.

Your dreams tend to reflect your insecurities.

Your dreams indicate that you have very conflicted feelings.

You have a very vivid imagination and a rich creative mind.

You secretly want to hide your dreams from your waking mind.

What Do Your Dreams Mean?

Your Love Type: INFP

The Idealist

In love, you crave a long term, harmonious relationship.

For you, sex doesn't come quickly - it takes time for you to open up.

Overall, you are supportive, nurturing, and expressive.

However, you tend to be shy and protective of your personal space.

Best matches: ENFJ and ESFJ

What's Your Love Type?

You Would Win Best Costume Design

You are imaginative, artistic, and very unique. You are a natural designer.

You can picture entire movies in your head. You are incredibly visual.

As long as you can remember, you've always had a flare for fashion. You like to experiment with looks.

You like dressing up in costumes and outfits. And not just for Halloween!

What Would You Win an Oscar For?

You Are the Guru

You are a naturally good counselor. You are inspiring, encouraging, and compassionate.

You are eager to help everyone who crosses your path, even those who don't want to be helped.

You are a natural healer. People feel at peace when they are with you.

You are so good for people, in fact, that they go through withdrawal once you're gone.

You quietly do your own thing, without openly resisting. You secretly try to fix every problem.

Your biggest regret is not being able to help as many people as you'd like.

What Role Do You Play?

blagoaisdhoiahgpoeisno;dkjblwfmbukfpowejtpoejgmljfidgj;ldsmgopfbjopfkmedl;ms;

*sniffles*

one of these days i will dissappear

opiumchild @ 2009-02-23T12:49:00

2009-02-23T20:49:25Z

soooo

im going over a little bit

Valentine's Day was nice :) I had to work and that sucked and i came home all exhausted but Chris had cleaned the house so that was nice :) he like the stuff i got him which was the first Adam Sandler comedy c.d. and There's Something about Mary (i forgot he wanted Billy Madison but ill remember that for later, and the Dark knight got to remember those) he got me a box of chocolates and we ended up watching movies adn drinking champagne mixed with some weird alchohol called Hpnotic or something weird like that...

mmmm

last week was alright. i got to hang out with my sister on wednesday and it was nice to be able to be honest with somebody again, and be able to talk and act like myself without watching what i say or what i do which was a relief :D i miss her, and i miss Tessa and Memphis and Preston... i really wanted to hang out with them but then we all got sick :/

on thursday out of NOWHERE i got sooooo sick feeling... like nausea so crippling i didnt even want to move, but somehow i managed to sit through the class movie Butcher Boy but the teacher wasn't there to explain teh questions and its due tomorrow and i ahve no idea what to write on it about casue the questions are really simple, but really difficult.. it was a strange movie... and i haven't finished my Whale Rider quiz either but oh well... *sighs* anywho, chris picked me up and he had the same symptoms i had... we got home and jsut passed out because being awake with that nausea was jsut fucking unbearable... we woke up for about 2 hours and tried to eat something but couldnt manage more than a bite and then we jsut passed out again
i threw up like 3 times that night :(

Friday i was completely weak and exhausted but i managed

then Saturday i was feeling a lot better and my parents called and wanted to see if i would like to go to dinner and see Coraline with them and i was like "hellllllllll yeaaaaaahhhh" i got off at work at 5:30 and was going to meet them adn chris at the restaurant but then i got so sick feeling around 4:30 that i had to leave work early cause i busted out crying... im so lame

and actually i don't feel like writing any more...

i dunnos

sorry

rag doll

2009-02-17T23:19:00Z

im having one of those days

.............. :/

the clouds have covered the sky, all my scabs have been picked twice over

my body feels heavy

my eyes are drooping

i dunnos

sometimes i jsut get real sad. i don't even know how to explain the feeling... i don't wnat to ask chris for money to pay my cell phone bill cause i dont want him to be dissapointed in me

i dont want to go on myspace because i feel guilty about everyone on my friends list that i've let down and avoided

i dont want to leave any comments on LJ casue i dont want people to think im ridiculous and i dont want to feel the jealousy and envy that i always get...

i couldnt even turn in my film class paper today cause i felt that even that was inadequate adn disgusting and i didnt want to face the teacher on thursday after she read it and gave up on me and my inability to write well

how can i be lovable?
why do people think im sweet?

im not.

really.

the only thing keeping me from crying right now is the memory of chris tucked inside my arm as he fell asleep last night

but even that i ahve to destroy by telling him i blew all the money :/

im just a sad one-eyed rag doll with her seams falling apart

opiumchild @ 2009-02-12T15:22:00

2009-02-12T23:39:01Z

so uhm

soorrriieesss i bitch so much

*blushes*

its what i do when the world doesn't revolve around me the way its SUPPOSED to

hahaha

*strokes Leo mane*

*sigh*

things have been going alright... i jsut realized i have less than 100 dollars in my bank account and in the middle of December i had 1000....
*bites lip*

chris is gonna be madddddddddddddd at mes

i blew it all on energy drinks and sugary candy and sushi
i told myself ot put 500 in the savings os i wouldnt blow it

hehehehe

oh well

thank goodness im getting almost 1000 dollars back in taxes which is fucking crazy. Federal is giving me almost 800 and State is giving me 220... which im still like.. i don't get it, i only made 6000 last year and im getting wayyyy more money than i thought back.. but i did the online taxes and made chris do mine again to see where i messed up but he got the same results i did

which means we can pay off those fucking cocksucking bastard apartment people

did i ever mention that? oh well, im not even gonna talk too much about that super retardation other than they sent us a notice in teh amil saying if we didnt pay them 1300 dollars in 30 days they were going to sue us

*glares defiantly*

i WAS gonna write a letter to their company headquarters and be like "FUCK YOU i aint giving none ya any more money for shit we didnt even do, and for time we didnt even live there what YOU SHOULD BE DOING is firing your dumbass employees who aren't doing their fucking job!"

but Chris was all like... no we'll pay them with teh tax money...
so there goes the Wii i wanted to get him... but at least once this is over we'll have one less thing to think about

mmmmmmmmm

i got to go to the library again

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

ahahah i &hearts the library

i seriously wish i could work there FOREVER!

that would rock.

but i think you have to get a degree for library science or whatever

*strokes chin*

hmmmm....

i could chill out with books all day, with peace and quiet

*sighs dreamily*

that would rock

anywho

im bored... i miss christopher but he will be here to rescue me in 30 mins so i dont have to wait too much longer...

Haley keeps texting me to go to the mall with her
uhm... im not really a "mall" person

silly girl

uhm....

i wish Jeff would move his shit into the apartment so i can start decorating it.. but he is NEVER home! hes always out with his girlfriend (who is also a recovering addict) at her ex-husband's parents house?????? wtf???? and they show up maybe once a week? to take a shower and go to sleep....

then when they do show up Jeff eats everything in the house (yesterday me and chris wanted to have some ice cream and i opened up the box that we had used maybe once? and it was all gone with a spoon inside

*glares*

and he leaves messes that my happy ass has to clean up

pfffffffffffffffft

BUT!

i ahve fabulous news!!!!!!

my fishies are officially no longer ignoring me!!!!!

*dances around and hands out flwoers*

now they come up ot the tank and give me little fishy "whoooshsspspshopps* kissy faces and follow my fingers to where the food is :D :D

hhhahaha i win!

so i decided to name them finally

ahahaha im such a bitch :P

but we named the blue one Sedona (i wanted to call her Shiva) and the red one Phoenix.. i named Phoenix and Chris named Sedona so i guess its fair.

anywho... i think im good for now... im sure there is more peeking at the surface but im surprised if anyone read this far so if you do

*gold star for youse* :D

ahhaha lalalala

much love <3

p.s. carno... youre so sweet *hugs*