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[Jun. 26th, 2009|10:11 am] |
| [ | mind |
| |  exhausted | ] |
i don't know what's been wrong with me lately
i jsut havent felt the need or i guess desire to really do anything or say anything
some times i feel like one of those people that lives in bubbles or what not... having to watch as everyone experiences life and each other in a way they never could
.....
i feel like everytime i wake up in this place that im getting closer and closer to hell
sometimes i think the true hell is here on earth.
i've been getting outrageous jealousy from nowhere.
yesterday i was looking at chris and hated every girl that ever touched him before me... wondering if he ever felt intensely about another girl, wondering am i the first one he really lvoed, the first one he told he loved, does he love me as much as he might have loved someone else
then later after we saw The Hangover on Wednesday him and Jeff were talking about how movies were so expensive and how when they were in high school movies were so much cheaper...
i started to get jealous! i couldn't stop thinking of the girlfriends best friend that he took to see a movie once (he told me about it), about all the other girls he took tpo the movies and how often he took them and how incredibly not fair it is that i couldn't go to high school with him
but then i remembered when we first got together how he told me that i was the first girl he ever pursued... usually the girls go after him, and i didn't.
i have to remember that shit, how he waited for a year for me...
and so sometimes i really really crave that romance we had in the beginning... were we would lay on teh balcony underneath the stars and moon and confess all of our deepest secrets to each other
but oh wells.
I've almost gotten to the point of yellign at Jeff and Katie. it's really hard for someone im not close to to get me that fucking pissed off for so long, and somehow they keep managing to find something that will piss me off.
my shit dissapears
i come home from work, all the dishes (no not exaggerateing i really mean ALL THE FUCKING DISHES) have been used and left on the counter or table, just waiting for me to do it
the house is trashed beyond belief... yesterday there were pieces of spaghetti everywhere, diapers scattered around the living room half eaten food spilled on the counter and left there to rot, a dirty diaper SITTING ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE!!!! Me and chris walk through the door and Frank is ripping up the telephone books while Jessica and Cheyenne sit there and watch t.v. (on sunday we found him getting into the bleach!)
and i jsut snap. i couldn't believe how disgusting my house has become. Katie shows up and is like WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF and apparently Jeff was sleeping all day again, and then he starts yelling at her about her kids and oooooooo i was pissed
i really really wanted to slap him and be like WTF IS WRONG WItH YOU!!!!!!! you were here all day fucking sleeping and being a degenerate loser while the kids that call you daddy jeff are tearing up the house, having nothing to eat because you're too fucking lazy to buy them anything but cerial and jack in the box, and you want to come here and bitch about the house being a mess! USE YOUR OWN TWO FUCKING HANDS DIPSHIT! the kids need supervision! you can't just sit them in front of the t.v. till me and chris come home, wtf is wrong with you!
... maybe this is why i haven't written lately... ever since i have been home everything has jsut increased in its potential for pissing me off, and yet im stuck here being lame lame loser me
i tried excersizing but ... i dunnos, maybe ill do that in a bit
i seriosuly feel like im in hell right now. |
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| Comments: |
your journal always makes me smile :)
♥
"and so sometimes i really really crave that romance we had in the beginning... were we would lay on teh balcony underneath the stars and moon and confess all of our deepest secrets to each other"
i know i miss it too :( right now i think i could have sex if i really really wanted to but i want more. ive been single for a year now, and its starting to be a bore... especially cos im at home for the last 2 years being so depressed and a nervous wreck and just sick -- i work but i cant focus for longer than an hour.
my only excitement is the trip to the store to buy glue for my shoes (i got em for my bday, but theyre falling apart) and check out stuff i can buy and look at some chicks. and 8 or 9 o clock when i have a few beers and relax.
a caged demon in a bubble that cant break :/
i cant express my passion in this scenery man.
im afraid to fall into the endless pit of apathy, but on the other hand i need to stop myself from going hyper active nervous workaholic mode; which is easy cos im soooo tired inside.
in a few months im starting exercise, after i saved up enough so i can get out of the house if the thing blows up. i called my mum a cancerous slut yesterday among other things and told her to just fuck off and go downstairs, or call the cops again lying that im threatening her like she did 2-3 years ago. probably shouldn't have done it. impulses man :|
anyways i just wanted to give you a big hug :) *hugggs*
and a flower for in your hair *flower* | |
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