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[[Deep Within Morpheus Creation]]
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[May. 13th, 2009|07:37 am] |
| [ | mind |
| |  determined | ] |
do you ever get that feeling of just....blagh
where everything becomes colored grey
it loses all of its life, its smell, its taste
you are not sad, or mad, or happy, or any other definable mood
just .... grey grey grey
color my days grey
thats how i have been feeling for the past few days
i don't know if it's disappointment
or if it's anger at others that i turned internal
i don't know what it is...
i like to have reasons like "oh so and so said/did this so now i have all the right to be pissed off at them".... but they are just being their selves so its not all that fair to be upset with them
or i could blame it on life situations "work sucks, school sucks, reality sucks" but even that in itself is a way of copping out and avoiding the real situation
i dunnos
i just feel so .... blahg
I had a dream the other night that Chris's friend Josh came over to our place and tried to have sex with me on the balcony but i fought him off and called out for Chris and he came and rescued me. Josh got all butthurt and left, but then came back a few minutes later with a bunch of kittens... i was so happy, i remember naming one of them Katrina
but STILL! even then, the dream felt.... off....
like my dreams always do... i can never have a dream that is purely happy, there is always some weird feeling... something dark in my psyche that distorts somethign happy into something scary and creepy and weird
then last night chris crushed my world in a way only he can... I asked him if he loved me "yes" forever? "yes" and ever? "yes" but not in a "of course my darling i will always love and adore you forever and ever" voice more of a "augh i jsut want to sleep and if this will shut you up ill say anything" voice
then he called me pudgy... and then said i was too crazy for him to decide whether to marry me or not....
*heart breaks*
i didn't talk to him the rest of the night... even when he apologized and tried to cuddle with me...
YOU JUST DONT SAY THAT TYPE OF SHIT
i would NEVER say that, no matter how pissed i was... he knows full well how i have built my future solely based on my relationship with him. and to have him say that, it jsut chips at every single cell in my body... it seriously just makes all my dreams turn grey and faded until they crumble into dust... it fucking hurts
i know i take things too seriously. but thats me and thats how i live. i am all or nothing and i don't like the in betweens... (at least when it comes to relationships, i live in the inbetween for everything else :P)
This morning didnt go my way... all my Day-quil mysteriously disspaeared, my lighters were nowhere to be found, Cheyenne slept in the office so i wasn'y able to grab my homework or my usb and that created a well of anxiety since i have to do a presentation today, but ill prolly jsut do it next monday and say fuck it.
chris teased me cause i was pissed off
but then i cried in the car and he told me he lvoed me all sweet like and said that he wants to be with me eternally so i was like... much better... but you should have said that in the first place
augh
and i still want to murder my roomates
Chris saw a cat while he was on lunch break... she visits him occasionally and he gives hr some of his water and pets her and tries to bring things for her to eat cause he says she looks hungry
i say we steal her and take her home so we can give her all sorts of loving adn milk and all sorts of delecious kitty food
god i want a cat so badly
i feel it in my bones
people have come close to guessing my thing on guess my sign.... its strange... no one has ever guessed that i have leo in me except for that one girl... so i was like cool... i do appear leo like sometimes
i don't know why i keep appearing pisces/cancer though... interesting... to be hoenst i only have one planet in a water sign and that's pluto in scorpio in my first house....
hmmm
i dunnos
im done.
AUGH
piss on self-pity
melancholy thoughts
regrets
piss on everything that is grey!
(unless its fur or something because that wouldnt be nice)
i refuse to be a sad mopey bastard right now
REFUSE
i will pretend sunshine is outside these windows
i will pretend that my body isnt slowly dying
i will pretend that i am the coolest prettiest most badass mutherfucker there ever was
cause im super rad!
i will accept me and my stupid crazy thoughts as being stupid and crazy and i am going to smile instead of frown
and i am
..
...
....
....
i guess im gonna play some games right now
and not do my homework
cuase im badasssss like that
jealous?
ha
i dunnos
augh
p.s. saying "piss on" makes everything way cooler |
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| Comments: |
I'm sorry, I don't want to say anything wrong; I know you love him very much. But, I would feel very hurt if that was said to me, too. Mm, and, sometimes I feel like my psyche has to stir up something dark, too... Like I can't get away from the negativity. But I agree, you are fabulous and no need to get down on yourself! =)
I say you give that kitty cat a nice home, too. ;) ♥
well you are super rad
i oughta tell you about my cat man
its so much of a fuckinjg bullshit story you wouldnt believe it.
okay so she's called Phoebe, cos I found her as CUTE as the phoebe you see in charmed (that lady brings cookies to kids in africa, so shes won my respect and i go aughghgh everytime i see her) but here's what happened.
i waited 6 weeks, initially it was going to be 2 weeks but the fuckers wanted to delay the shit and keep me waiting so i would gladly pay to finally get her into my hands.
anyway :)
we got her home after some more waiting and some shit remarks from the ladies at the place where we came to pick her up. I just went outside for a smoke because I couldn't stand them anymore--they were just rude to me.
We got home and the next 1-2 weeks was full of Phoebe the Cat asking for a LOT of attention and I couldn't handle it cos I was still really recovering and was basically really sick at this time.
So I refused her in the end alot.
And now, eversince I refused her, she just plainly acts like I don't exist :( shes really cocky and arrogant to me, and she only wants milk and candy from me
So there you have it - I got a cat, but then I don't :(
*hugs* | |
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