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blahg [Oct. 13th, 2008|01:14 pm]
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i really need to start appreciating the good times in life more than dwelling on the bad times


so many times i jsut get so goddamn caught up in myself, adn my feelings, adn what I WANT, that i jsut completely forget that other people have those same feelings adn wants

im so tired of getting drunk and arguing with chris


aughguhaughauhguahguahga a leo and a scorpio can have the worst arguments i swear.

way too damn stubborn for either of their own good.

i dunnos

last night i cried for over and hour
i jsut couldnt stop

i hurt chris terribly by flipping out on him

i had a terrible day at work... i was there for 9 hours cause it was so busy and i jsut got yelled at and yelled at and yelled at by mass amounts of asshole customers who have obviously never realized that THE WORLD DOESNT FUCKING REVOLVE AROUND THEM adn i jsut started shaking so bad near the last hour, like literally shaking with rage from having to smile at all the people that made me want to cry and so i got Dan to check in my place os i could jsut get away from them for a second.
then i finally got off of work thinking that me adn chris could finish the remaining beers and jsut relax and laugh and forget teh day happened

but when i called chris to see what he wanted to eat i was like "Hi sweetheart &hearts" and he said "HI SWEETHEART!!!" and it felt like he was mocking me and then he said some stuff and it was so obvious he had been drinking and i asked him if he had drank it all and he said "yeah, duh" and i jsut felt so empty... like.... great, im going to have to go home to a belligerent ass whos going to want to make fun of me (he doesnt realize it hurts, he thinks hes jsut funny), and who wants to argue about everything i say

woo hoo

so i came home in a bad mood and it jsut went waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy downhill from there... near the end he refused to talk to me and it looked like he was going to cry and i jsut wanted to die from all the guilt that im making my man whose so strong in his emotional defense breakdown adn cry becuase im such a horrid bitch who can't ge tout of herself for a second to consider that maybe he was happy to see me and missed me and .... augh... i knw what you mean mary.... it sucks
i want to scream adn tear out my hair and throw everything within reach at the walls and slice myself to bits and pieces adn bleed everywhere... i jsut wanted to react and all i could do was cry cause i didnt want to hurt chris even more.


i got up today and i jsut felt like i was a barren field that had been burnt to ashes the night before

sometimes i just get so damn scared he will leave me each time i freak out...


i hate that feeling


i wish i could jsut feel safe and secure in his lvoe and not worry that i fuck everything up over and over and over again, and i wish wish wish that i could jsut be rational for one blessed moment.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: [info]empty_party
2008-10-15 01:21 am (UTC)

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God, I can relate to you so much... If it is any consolation at all I'm grateful you are as passionate as you are, it's so reassuring to know there is someone out there who can understand why I would feel this way. And you're such a sweetheart, too; it's just like with me and the noise and all here, with you I'm sure it was all those assholes yelling at you... There's only so much someone who is highly sensitive can take. Imo humor can hurt just as badly if not more than an outright burst of temper.

*Hugs* ♥ ♥
[User Picture]From: [info]opiumchild
2008-10-15 07:45 pm (UTC)

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*huggggggggggs* thank you mary :) i know what you mean about relating, though we dont have the same exact experiences i can relate sooooooo much to what you write that, like i said in your journal, its so therapeutic for me

and i know what you mean about the highly sensitive... i get anxiety so bad around lots of noises and people crowded in the same room, it feel like im being suffocated almost and i jsut NEED to escape from it
[User Picture]From: [info]deadcarno
2008-10-17 04:39 am (UTC)

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LOL That's why I escape to the bathroom after awhile when we have guests over.

*BIG HUGS* I snap at people too, and then I feel bad about it. I have to learn to take a deep breath and respond calmly, even if I'm annoyed.

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