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[Sep. 29th, 2008|01:49 pm] |
mmmm
im at a loss for words
i feel like i have something to write
but it doesnt want to come
i was in a terribly depressed mood this weekend... i wasnt sure why...
there wasnt a single thing i could point at to blame... jsut me and my crazy moods
i kept having terrible dreams that chris would flirt with another girl... maybe not flirting but he was talking, and by god im so damn jealous even in my dreams that i felt so betrayed just by him talking
in one of them i saw him talking to a girl in the store, i had been wandering around and found him talking to her and i jsut flipped and ran out of the store... i couldnt bear to tell him to fuck off and i woke up crying
he was by my side and i curled up to him and asked him to get me donuts, knowing he had already gone to breakfast with his dad and he was tired and wanted to lay down... but that wasnt goomd enough, i wanted donuts and i wnated them now and i got mad a him for not jumping up and going to get them nad so i started crying when he was like "no well get some tomorrow"
then finally he said he would go and get them and i refused to let him go because i started to feel horribly spoiled that i was throwing a fit over something so ridiculous about him not wanting donuts and him going to get drunk with his friends and i couldnt make sushi tonight AGAIN (ive been waiting 2 weeks to make it but something always comes up) and then i get mad at myself for even caring about bullshit that i know doesnt matter and i jsut take it out on my poor darling christopher because im a brat
adn the circle continues... i want something, im not getting it so i take it out on the one person i care so deeply about, then i upset him adn get mad at myself for upsetting him, and then i get mad at myself for being mad in teh first place over nothing
augh i drive myself nuts...
he went and got the donuts anyway... god i just wanted to cry more
then his friends show up and i leave for work and dont get to talk to him for 7 hours cause i didnt want to bother him adn get even more depressed that im so needy and dependant
and then i come home and i act like a bitch to chris and he's like "you need some beer" so him and josh went and got me some, and then the rest of the night chris was jsut on the couch being negative nancy and me and josh were talking adn drinking and shotgunning beers and playing drinking games both of which chris said he was tired of doing since they had been doing it all day.
which hurt, because, i wasn't there... i didnt get to join in teh fun, now that im here, why cant you be a little fun with me instead of me having to settle with an uncomfortable feeling for having you friend be there instead
then chris gets pissed off at something and then i get pissed off cause hes being rude, and so josh finally leaves and i jsut flip out when me and chris go to bed
he accusses me of being to "cordial with the guests"
apparently i was ignoring him the entire night
i couldnt beleive he got jealous... i tried so hard to get over myself, i would have preffered if josh was gone so i couldve been with chris alone but oh well i accept it as it happend and im getting yelled at?
eventually we setllled it out.
anywho
dexter adn californication started to night
YAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh
badasss
desxter is my t.v. boyfriend
but dont let chris know cause ill never hear the end of it
:P
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
god i wish
i wish i could write again
im a barren desolate field
but oh the splendour of the flowers and trees adn lakes that shimmer in the haze |
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| Comments: |
I understand about moods, I get in these awful moods and wanting to control them right away somehow...like that could be sometimes, just wanting something to eat that would make me feel better right away...and when I can't control the moods I just wind up taking them out on someone who wants to help. And then I feel bad for upsetting them. :(
I'm sorry about the bad dream and mutual jealousy also... Jealousy is the worst, isn't it? :(
*Hugs!* ♥
*hugggs* awww thank youse *blushes*
yeah, i hate jealousy... and i have it soooo bad... i wish i could jsut keep the person at my side forever and ever and ever and that there were no other girls that looked at him with the potential of looking back or talking cause it makes me want to jsut boil and burst and dissapear
i think that i get this way cause im so terrified of being abandoned again...
just breathe :) thats all i can do :) | |
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