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[[Deep Within Morpheus Creation]]
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 13th, 2009|11:20 am] |
( quizzes )
i got bored with the tests.
i keep trying to find something to write about that doesn't automatically lose my interest within seconds.
i feel like all i do now is work work work work Mars in Aries in 6th house working overtime
augh
emotionally... jealousy and insecurities are at an all time high for me.
jealous that Katie gets to meet Chris adn Jeff's family, has 2 rings Jeff gave her, still has her red roses... still a disgusting annoying slob
i don't get anything... but i tell myself, at least when i do it will mean more than that which i am jealous of
insecurities destroying my dreams...
lately for the past few weeks i jsut feel so........ grey
even when the sun was shining my heart hurt
my mind hurt
my body hurt
i jsut wanted to crawl up in the bed and let the world dissapear for awhile
i know i should call people but i don't
i know i should write people but i don't.
one of these days i will get better i know it... i jsut wish it would come sooner rather than later.
Big Brother started yeya
Hopfeully we will see Bruno on Saturday so that will be awesome
im falling in love with music all over again
i ahve to pee adn go buy energy drinks and ciggarettes... and prolly food
yey |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 1st, 2009|01:13 pm] |
i want to lay down and melt into the universe
sometimes i feel like i can feel the heartbeat of the earth
this longing consumes me
i feel ....... like a ghost sometimes |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 26th, 2009|10:11 am] |
| [ | mind |
| |  exhausted | ] |
i don't know what's been wrong with me lately
i jsut havent felt the need or i guess desire to really do anything or say anything
some times i feel like one of those people that lives in bubbles or what not... having to watch as everyone experiences life and each other in a way they never could
.....
i feel like everytime i wake up in this place that im getting closer and closer to hell
sometimes i think the true hell is here on earth.
i've been getting outrageous jealousy from nowhere.
yesterday i was looking at chris and hated every girl that ever touched him before me... wondering if he ever felt intensely about another girl, wondering am i the first one he really lvoed, the first one he told he loved, does he love me as much as he might have loved someone else
then later after we saw The Hangover on Wednesday him and Jeff were talking about how movies were so expensive and how when they were in high school movies were so much cheaper...
i started to get jealous! i couldn't stop thinking of the girlfriends best friend that he took to see a movie once (he told me about it), about all the other girls he took tpo the movies and how often he took them and how incredibly not fair it is that i couldn't go to high school with him
but then i remembered when we first got together how he told me that i was the first girl he ever pursued... usually the girls go after him, and i didn't.
i have to remember that shit, how he waited for a year for me...
and so sometimes i really really crave that romance we had in the beginning... were we would lay on teh balcony underneath the stars and moon and confess all of our deepest secrets to each other
but oh wells.
I've almost gotten to the point of yellign at Jeff and Katie. it's really hard for someone im not close to to get me that fucking pissed off for so long, and somehow they keep managing to find something that will piss me off.
my shit dissapears
i come home from work, all the dishes (no not exaggerateing i really mean ALL THE FUCKING DISHES) have been used and left on the counter or table, just waiting for me to do it
the house is trashed beyond belief... yesterday there were pieces of spaghetti everywhere, diapers scattered around the living room half eaten food spilled on the counter and left there to rot, a dirty diaper SITTING ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE!!!! Me and chris walk through the door and Frank is ripping up the telephone books while Jessica and Cheyenne sit there and watch t.v. (on sunday we found him getting into the bleach!)
and i jsut snap. i couldn't believe how disgusting my house has become. Katie shows up and is like WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF and apparently Jeff was sleeping all day again, and then he starts yelling at her about her kids and oooooooo i was pissed
i really really wanted to slap him and be like WTF IS WRONG WItH YOU!!!!!!! you were here all day fucking sleeping and being a degenerate loser while the kids that call you daddy jeff are tearing up the house, having nothing to eat because you're too fucking lazy to buy them anything but cerial and jack in the box, and you want to come here and bitch about the house being a mess! USE YOUR OWN TWO FUCKING HANDS DIPSHIT! the kids need supervision! you can't just sit them in front of the t.v. till me and chris come home, wtf is wrong with you!
... maybe this is why i haven't written lately... ever since i have been home everything has jsut increased in its potential for pissing me off, and yet im stuck here being lame lame loser me
i tried excersizing but ... i dunnos, maybe ill do that in a bit
i seriosuly feel like im in hell right now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 10th, 2009|01:12 pm] |
so i officially have internet at home now
so i wont disappear for months again
&hearts
augh things have been crazy lately
i was right about Jeff being on drugs... i called it out months and months ago but no one really listened to me, Chris only started to believe me when he heard the lighter in their bedroom, like they were smoking pot, but no smell
then saturday he disappears and the only thing we are told is that Jeff went to some AA retreat or something... i called it out as bullshit because i know Jeff would've mentioned something about it earlier, and Chris figured he was prolly in jail or something
i talked to Katie about it on Monday and she kept denying my suspicions, and kept claiming he was at the retreat. It wasn't till his dad showed up and was like "ok, where the fuck is he really? is he in Detox?"
and she finally admitted it
and then talked to me for hours about it
and i just wanted to slap her.
i really really fucking did.
at first she said she didn't know (BULLSHIT! how fucking stupid do you think i am?)
how could you not know your boyfriend was shooting heroin and smoking it when you two are sequestered in the same room for hours on end?
then the more she talked, she finally admitted to how she knew he was doing it for MONTHS, and how she didnt agree with it and blah blah blah and was upset when he started shooting it up
ok
A: you were fine with it when he was smoking it? but not ok when he started using it?
B: you leave you less-than-a- year old and your other child in the care of a person who is on heroin while you are at work??? what if something happened to them while he was asleep in a drug-induced haze?????
C: WHY THE FUCK DID YOU ALLOW HIM TO DO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?!?!
if the situation had been Chris you can sure as fuck bet that as soon as i found out about it, that shit was getting destroyed and flushed down the toilet, and be damned how pissed off he was about it. i would have straight up told Chris TOUGH SHIT!. And me and Chris even discussed it when we first started dating, since we do have a background in drugs individually, we both agreed we would flush it down the toilet and get rid of it and cut off the money supply to them if the other person started doing drugs. you don't enable that shit, you just don't.
augh she pissed me off so bad...
so anyway, he was supposed to be in Detox till thursday... apparently not.
he came home on Monday and then Katie announces to everyone, oh while he is taking a bath im going to smoke the rest of my pot.
i seriously had to stop my hand from slapping her.
WHAT IS SHE THINKING??!!?!?!?!?! oh... im going to do some drugs in front of someone who jsut got out of detox, what a brilliant idea!
*glares*
and then he disappeared this morning. Cheyenne kept asking where he was, and Katie was jsut like "oh whatever, maybe he went to get breakfast, maybe he went to get drugs"
she straight up said that.... oh and btw his dealer lives in our neighborhood... how convienent.
im sorry, but if i was her i would have found my phone adn its charger (oh my battery died- when i asked her why she hadn't called him)
and called his stupid ass and be like uhm..... where the fuck are you?!?!?!
augh
augh
augh
fucking people piss me off.
.............
anywho
...................
Chris is taking me to see Star Trek today... im so excited!
we haven't been to the movies since Cloverfield i think, which seems like so long ago *sighs* and he has been so sweet to me lately...
our two years is coming up on the 16th!!! im so excited... he better get me some flowers since he skipped out on them on valentines day... i've been casually mentioning it like "oh darling, flowers are so pretty, wouldn't they look wonderful in our room?" and then he'll say something like "Don't be stupid, they are a waste of money" but not as harsh :P and then i say "well you skipped on Valentine's day, so i expect them on our anniversary"
*nods*
hahhaha no i'm not sure if that convo has actually happened or not, but it jsut did in my head so i thought i would share that... i have casually mentioned that i want some though :P
People at work adore me. Melissa (the head honcho manager) keeps being a bitch adn scheduling me to be the main cashier, but Sharon and Liz (the assisant managers) keep switching me to be second because half the time the other cashier (usually Nathan) doesn't get anything done. and Liz was telling me what a great worker i am, and my supervisors- each one of them adore me, my co-workers adore me, and the framing manager gets sad when i don't close with her... so i feel pretty good about myself
i jsut don't see why Melissa doesn't like me as much.... *glares*
if it's cause i don't get everythign done. that's not my fault.... like the other day when i was cashiering and Liz wants me to paint these terra cotta pots and glue them together to make animals and shit, and then Sharon wants me to sign all the custom floral (there are hundreds of them)
nevermind im bored wiht this story haha
uhm.....
i finalyl caved in and sent an email to summer.
my intuitions have been super prophetic lately
and.... i dunnos |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 1st, 2009|11:52 am] |
i got my assocaites degree yesterday
woo hoo
i doubt im gonna be able to go to PSU this fall since i procrastinated till the very last second
but oh well
i had a dream i cut off my face and put it back but it was all loose and droopy and red around the edges
it was kind of a scary dream actually ... on an island with Battle Royale breaking out
then i had a dream that i was at Nicole's work and all the old dying people were the size of babies stuck inside incubator pods
dark dark dark is my psyche
ill write more maybe later maybe |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 27th, 2009|02:38 pm] |
| [ | mind |
| |  artistic | ] |
the computer is in my room now
jeff and katie turned the office room into a bedroom for cheyenne
we have a cable outlet in our room
which means.... INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!
im so excited... this time its going to happen, there are no more excuses... and then ill be set
my dream reclusive spot
thats not as nicely decorated but oh well
last week was hard
i almost deleted everything
i hated the world
i felt lost and hurt and confused and abandoned
i didnt want to talk to anyone
or go anywhere
i jsut wanted to dissapear in Chris's arms
jsut curl up and melt inside his chest where i could sleep in his heart for the rest of our lives
adn then... i got the feeling back
the feelings i used ot get in my old room, the stars shining against a midnight curtain
window open with soft summer breexes
fresh scents drifting through
my room filled wiht modest mouse and interpol and radiohead
perfection
i got is driving home listening to the new radiohead c.d., the car windows rolled down and it was 10 pm.... it jsut hit me
perfection
and then yesterday with my music in my room i felt like ME again
its been so long since i jsut became one with my music like i used to
maybe i can start painting again
i got to hang out with Nicole yesterday. that made me feel better about myself. i don't need friends as long as i have one genuine one.
............................................................
pluto is acting up again
i feel the change |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 13th, 2009|07:37 am] |
| [ | mind |
| |  determined | ] |
( color my days grey )
AUGH
piss on self-pity
melancholy thoughts
regrets
piss on everything that is grey!
(unless its fur or something because that wouldnt be nice)
i refuse to be a sad mopey bastard right now
REFUSE
i will pretend sunshine is outside these windows
i will pretend that my body isnt slowly dying
i will pretend that i am the coolest prettiest most badass mutherfucker there ever was
cause im super rad!
i will accept me and my stupid crazy thoughts as being stupid and crazy and i am going to smile instead of frown
and i am
..
...
....
....
i guess im gonna play some games right now
and not do my homework
cuase im badasssss like that
jealous?
ha
i dunnos
augh
p.s. saying "piss on" makes everything way cooler |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 6th, 2009|03:25 pm] |
| [ | mind |
| |  gloomy | ] |
augh
i just spent 15 minutes putting in all those pics for the mood theme... augh
but at least they are pretty
yeah i've been going on another icon binge today
im hungry
my roomates are driving me crazy
im so tired of waking up to their messes
their lame ass toilet paper that is the same that is used in restaurants and retail stores, the disgusting super thin kind
im tired of them using all my paper towels only to replace them with ugly borwn ones that don't wipe anythign or soak anything very well at all, which has made cleaning the house for me... jsut that more difficult
i am tired of them using all the laundry soap and ketchup and cereal and everything else... loading the dish washer with dirty dishes so they come out dirty after going through the wash
i am tired of them eating all my food only to replace it with disgusting pizza
i am tired of seeing all the stains on the carpet and bathroom that they created
i am tired of listening to them yell at each other all the time
i am tired of listening to crack head katie ceaseless monolougues about the SAME FUCKING THING!
i am tired of crack head jeff getting everything out to get something to eat and then forgetting about it and leaving all the shit there
along with all their nasty ass food remants (milkshakes left on the counter for 2 DAYS) augh
so much mroe shit
i can keep going
but i dont want to cause aughauhgauhguahguahguhuahga
they piss me offf
....
*glares*
i am tired of tons of people on livejournal that are all perfect and so fucking wonderful and lovely and make me want to puke
*glares*
im hungry
............
anywho
christopher has been teh sweetest to me... so perfect
got me something tasty to drink and took me to the library to buy some of their books they were selling without me even having to ask on monday &hearts
mmmmmmmmmmm
school sucks... i have till july to talk to a counselor and apply to Portland State University and i tried to apply but it costs 50 bucks that i don'yt ahve so
augh
i dunnos
im done done done done
.................................its not like anyone cares anyway
i wouldnt
im fucking lame
sometimes i jsut feel so dirty and unclean and i jsut want to curl up in a ball adn close all the window shades and starve myself to death.
but then i remember my Christopher.... i don't know what i would do without him... he is truly all i ahve left now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 29th, 2009|03:28 pm] |
( blah" )
wow
so i went super overboard on the tests hahaha
i jsut wish i had something better to do
but i dont not really
augh
jsut 30 more mins. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 27th, 2009|07:54 am] |
its one of those lovely days again...
i jsut want to delete everything |
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