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[[Deep Within Morpheus Creation]]
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| confusion |
[Nov. 4th, 2009|08:27 am] |
| [ | mind |
| |  confused | ] |
i just don't know what to do with myself
i wish i could be the type of person who knew what she wanted
i hate being so damn indecisive and thinking maybe i could do this, and then questioning that to the extent that i've convinced myself i dont want to do that anymore becasue i couldnt handle it
i used to be convinced that i was going to be a counselor or something involved in the field of psychology, then i convinced myself i was too emotional and sensitive to deal with other peoples problems as a living, so then i convinced myself that i was going to be an educator of some sort, and now everybody keeps telling me should go back into the psychology field!
it just gives me so much anxiety, i dont want to have to decide... i wish i was just like... almost forced into having to do something, it would be so much easier that way. mentally and financially.
actually, what i would want more than anything in the world.... To be a writer, a poet, an artist... to stay at home and never deal with the outside world, to create beauty and share it with others without ever having to show my face and speak to them. thats truly what i want to do.
i have been doing much better i school so i guess i should be proud of myself... i got an A on my criminology mid-term and on my paper, an A in my music class, and a B in my philosophy class... augh school talk is boring me
i wish i had someone to talk to you know... I do have my Christopher Doll, and for that i am thankful, but I really don't think he understands me in a way that he can communicate with me. He is so damn rational and doesnt understand how i can be completely irrational and rely on my feelings and intuitions about people and things to guide me through life. I don't know... i guess lately i have been feeling very emotionally vulnerable right now, longing to reach out with my soul and have his soul take hold of mine and surround it and protect it from the outside world... but i have a feeling that as much as i know he loves me, he can't commit like that, almost as if he doesnt completely trust me, no matter how much i devote to him, it will
im rambling
i have books and books written in my mind, the romantic that i am
they are etched into my brain
i have a million words to write, a million feelings to put metaphors and pictures to
a million colors longing to be painted
but my fingers don't want anyone to see.
i get so damn envious of those who know how to be heard, how to be seen, how to be known. |
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| School |
[Oct. 7th, 2009|08:26 am] |
| [ | mind |
| |  busy | ] |
holy shit
so where did September go?
i jsut realized that it has been like almost a month since i last posted and i didn't even realize
i work every day i don't go to school, i honestly don't remember the last time i actually had a day off to myself to just sit and breathe without having to worry or get anxiety over something.
it hasn't been that bad, it's just exhausting.
What's new... what's new
so after talking to my advisor during the whole orientation thing, she suggested that i take Social Science as a major instead of Psychology, because if i want to go into the graduate program for education it would probably be easier and look better if i majored in something that was educationally oriented, and with social science i could stil take a bunch of Psychology classes.
So for this term i'm taking, History of Ancient Philosophy, Criminology and Delinquency, Social Psychology, and Music Fundamentals (a requirement to get into the graduate program, even though its like learning the abc's for me... "how do we count a quarter note and an eighth note?" *bangs head on binder*)
But when i told my dad i think he had the same unease about switching my major... he told me that he didn't mind if i had to take extra classes and pay more money jsut to take Psychology as a major, because if i found out later that i didn't like teaching or if there were no jobs, that this way i could get into the Psychology graduate program since i had previously already gotten a major in it. So i think i might minor in social science so that i don't waste the credits im taking now, and change my major back to psychology, adn try to apply for financial aid to take a little bit of the burden off.
but speaking of which, its still like fuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkk me becasue my dad STILL hasn't gotten the money from my grandpa to pay for my tuition and books and im close to getting a talking to from my teachers :/
oi, this shit makes my head hurt.
the others have temporarily "moved" out *does a quick little dance* :D :D :D
apparently Jeff's dad has more money than he knows what to do with, so he bought a mansion in Texas and is living there for the winter, so Jeff and KAtie and the kids are housesitting during the time that they are gone... but what gets better (well, slightly) is since the kids go to school right done the street from where we live, they are going to be there during the day so that way they wont have to make as many trips back and forth... ergo, since they still have all thier stuff there and living there half the time, and watch t.v. and wash their clothes and take showers and pretty much everything except sleep there, they still have to pay their half of the bills, which means that me an chris wont get screwed with the money situation, AND i won't half to be stuck inside my bedroom all day... (for awhile there i was stuck in the room from the time i woke up till the time i went to sleep because THEY were ALWAYS downstairs)
*breathes*
mmmm that's all for now, i can't get on the internet much because i like spending time with Chris when we are both at home, and i never have any time to myself anymore, so i'm trying to get on before my first class starts when the school library isn't as full
much love and good thoughts for all of youse :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 11th, 2009|01:11 pm] |
| [ | mind |
| |  contemplative | ] |
i just feel so dissapointed right now, guilty almost that i can't be everything i want to be or could be for everyone
I almost want to call my sister and chew her out
but i wont, as my dad said, its between him and her and he doesnt want me to have to be in the middle of it.
He was telling me that he is pretty much broke right now, he might have to sell the house they live in in the next year or two and... it breaks my heart. It really does, i wish so badly that there could be something i could do to make it easier on him, i wish i had a better job and made more money so i could help him out you know?
im so mad at my sister for blowing all her trust fund money on drugs and video games and all the food and living expenses for preston and johnny, and brandan, and whoever else decided to live with them for free and let her pay for everything... while she stopped making payments on her car that my dad cosigned and so he had to pay all the payments and HIS credit got screwed and now he is in the hole becasue she just didnt THINK or maybe didnt even care and its jsut NOT FAIR it makes me so angry and upset at the injustice. He has done so much for her and she cant do the simplest of things to make his life jsut a bit easier, and augh
i dont know
it literally hurts me, cause i love my dad and i love my sister but im just so scared for him and dissapointed and mad at her.
Nicole came over yesterday, and i had to practice some therapy on her and try to talk and reason her back into sanity. She sliced up her arm realllllllly bad and she was panic frozen into not being able to run some neessary errands and take care of herself, and so i took her to Rite aid to grab some first aid stuff for her arm and helped her clean it and bandage it and wrap it in gauze... augh it was so gross, i felt so bad for her, and then i took her to grab her prescriptions and stuff she needed for her apartment and herself and talked to her the entire time on jsut calming down, breathing, telling her that she cant cahnge the past but can at least change the future, trying to get her to stop looking at everything that needs to be done as a whole and jsut try and fix whats in front of her and to take steps and not leaps, to calm down and tell herself that its going to be ok, its going to be ok. Haha i think i drove her nuts cause everytime i told her it was going to be ok i would look at her and go "right?" and i wouldnt accept her answer until she would smile and nod and say "it is going to be ok, no matter what, its going to be ok"... so i think she took it to heart, she was crying on the phone the entire time she was driving to my place and for about a good hour after she arrived, but she left smiling and joking and so i think i at least provided some comfort and ease for her mind and body and so i guess i feel good about that. I don't know whether or not its going to last, and whether or not she forgot everything i told her as soon as she got home, but i can only have the best thoughts for her and send her as much god energy as i can, adn be there for her when she needs me, and hope that will be good.
augh
madness abounds.
i miss my Christopher. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 9th, 2009|09:43 am] |
mmm today feels all weird and strange
i feel like i haven't completely woken up yet..
i had a dream that Nicole tried to rape me
and then i broke up with my ex boyfriend and went home to pack all my stuff and realized that it had already been moved to Chris's place... and Amanda was happy adn wearing colorful clothes and playing with her friends, and i remeber thinking how wonderful it was that she was still the same sweet beautiful Amanda, and not the depressed suicidal anorexic Amanda i somehow helped her into becoming...
i didnt really help but i provided and example and am still deeply dissapointed in myself.
everything was dark dark dark and not the way it was in real life
the others are downstairs and i am hungry. i want to eat before i go to work
but i dont want to go down when they do. im pretty much avoiding them at this point.
ill prolly pick something up on my way to work.
i have to call PLanned Parenthood. augh. i dont like being examined at all, but i need the horrible horrible pills. I hate taking pills of any kind. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 2nd, 2009|01:57 pm] |
so i guess i got accepted to PSU
yey
i have to go through this stupid orientation thing which is going to last all day...
i have to admit that secretly i was hoping i wouldn't get accepted, now im going to have to travel to Portland almost every day every week for 2 years (except for vacation) and i don't know how that's going to work out for me. Just the one day of going there was enough to give me anxiety and make me wish i never had to go back there.
It's weird though, i used to go there every weekend with Ajah and Karie, Kathleen, Lacey, a bunch of people and it never gave me any problems then... We used to go hang out at Mother Earth Magick and the poster store and browse all the little Indian and new age boutiques and hang out for hours at the Saturday Market, go up to strangers at Pioneer Square and somehow find ourselves getting high and drinking cheap whisskey with them outside of punk shows..
and now... i get anxiety just on the max ride getting there.
but one good thing... i can't wait to get back into psychology classes... for some weird reason they don't consider elementary education a major so i ahve to take it as a minor and get to take psychology as a major :D :D :D
Me and Chris have been fighting pretty bad lately. i think we resolved it last night after another fight, and what kills me is that we always fight over something stupid, so fucking ridiculously stupid i can't even stand it.
Monday Chris was watching the Cowbyos preseason game that he recorded and so i was like "I'm going to call Brittany and see if she wants to hang out sometime this week" so i go upstairs and try calling her but she couldn't hear me cause my reception sucks in this house and i called her again to leave a voicemail so she knew who it was, Chris shows up and starts fucking with me and then tries to seduce me and im like "get the fuck off me! Im trying to talk to my sister, go back downstairs and ill be there in less than 5 mins and then we can watch some stand-up and Kenny vs. Spenny"... he gets all butthurt and tells me that there is no point in waiting for her to call because she never does and im wasting my time with her, and i get pissed off casue i wasn't waiting for her call, i was trying to call her again but he had my arms pinned and then it jsut goes nuts from there... i couldnt believe it and the whole night was just avoiding grenades the entire time, and i jsut completely lost it later, i started puling out my hair and biting and scratching him whever he tried to hold me and call me down, and hyperventilating, god i must have sobbed for an hour
I have a very very very bad temper, and i can only have the blame placed on me so many fucking times.
then yesterday we were doing good, but my parents wanted to hold a dinner thing tonight for me and my cousin as a little "off to college" dinner party thing, and after all they have done for the BOTH of us, i was like "sure, its the least i can do if this makes you happy" so i tell Chris we are going to dinner at my parents tonight and hes all like "ughghghgh" so i get hurt and call my parents and tell him he isn't coming, and i burst into tears becase im a melodramatic spazz and i felt guilty to Chris and my parents and myself, and i felt like i jsut couldn't do or say anything right, and im going to have to be away from him tonight (one of the first times in the +2years we've been together) and have to go face my family all alone... then he gets amd at me! and so we got over it and then argued about the night before and i think we resolved it. He accepted that he can be to agressive and i don't let him know whats going on in my head.
So hopefully this period of peace will last.
no wonder all the astrologers are weary of a Scorpio-Leo union.
too fucking passionate, intense, stubborn, hard-headed for our own goods.
I miss having friends. Karie wanted to hang out last week and go to a bar to celebrate our birthdays but i avoided it case i haven't seen her since me and Chris started dating and... i wouldn't know what the fuck to say to her. But i dunnos, maybe ill text her and see if she wants to do something next week when i get paid... i dunnos, i get anxiety thinking about it :/
blagh. piss on anxiety.
im gonna do some tests.
( quizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzeys bitchez )
i dunnos what to do now. im bored. |
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| Far Away,,, |
[Aug. 31st, 2009|12:55 pm] |
| [ | mind |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Be Quiet and Drive- Detones | ] |
its weird...
for the past week or two i've been having to clean out my room at my parent's since my uncle is moving in it (augh... it gives me goosebumps, is it wrong to feel like he is going to desecrate what used to be my private sancturary away from the world with his porno addict thoughts??) augh
fucking gross... i don't want to judge, he's my uncle and he is family, but still...
i had to throw away soooooooooooo many papers that i had been keeping for years, almost 10 paper bags filled wiht random papers and drawings and notes that i never had the ability to part with before.. all gone gone gone now. I got rid of so mch stuff (except for my stuffed animals i wanted to give to my future children and old old books from the 50's that you can't find anywhere else).
im bored wiht that
uhm
me and Chris have been getting better again i suppose. I confessed to him what i saw and he seemed genuinely sorry about it, he said he looked only out of curiosity (bullshit but whatever) and he didnt even like it (im not fucking stupid) and he promised himself he would never look at it again... but now the internet and security thing is all screwed up and im trying to fix it up again...
He has been sweet though, he's pissed me off a little but i haven't gone to bed mad so that's good... i wish he could always be sweet and loving to me, sometimes i can't help but resent his strong Scorpio nature, though that is one of the reasons im so damn drawn to him
Linda Goodman knows whats up.
I've sort of stopped even caring about trying to be nice to Jeff and Katie. I managed for god, almost 8-9 months now and i jsut can't seem to manage my smile in their direction. I don't think anyone has managed to piss me off that much. I've stopped going downstairs so i won't have to see the mess, i've been lighting incense lately to overpower the smell of cigarettes that emnates from their room
im gonna stop. i can't stand them and i've given up on being nice. Im not going to be mean, but from now on all they are to me are jsut little mice that i would feel bad for killing, but still annoy the shit out of me.
i want to be beautiful again. I've been doing some yoga/pilates from a video i found in my old room... maybe Chris will think im as cute as i used to be, and maybe he'll stop making fun of me, and get as jealous as he used to.
i am colorblind
but i love all the colors
i want to feel paint on my skin, but all my paints have mysteriously dissapeared (glares at Katie and her children)... i want to draw and color it in but i have no images... i want to write but all the thoughts are directed against me
mmmmmmmmmmmm
i miss being surrounded by beauty
i can't wait to decorate our future apartment. and Chris will grow to love it hahaha, i've lived in his black and white world for too long... i need some color! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 25th, 2009|03:31 pm] |
i just have to get over myself sometimes
my back hurts
sorry for being such a melodramatic spazz
im better now
i promises :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 21st, 2009|10:18 am] |
| [ | mind |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Idioteque- Radiohead | ] |
i rode a train to a destination i had no idea of, and got to the end of the line and didnt know what to do from there
cut
i saw Danny's picture and thought that was who my boyfriend was, but when i tried to look at his face to make sure it matched Chris's it turned into a mirror but i couldn't even see my face
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im stuck in dreamworld... nothing is real yet
sometimes i wish....unspoken
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i woke up and went out to the car to get an energy drink and i felt like i was in Arkansas again. 6-7 years old and its grey outside, cold but not Oregon cold. humid cold. Memories of body mist named freesia and lego doll houses in pastel colors... blankets fine and transparent of purple and blue covering thee windows and doorways and blue/green glass everywhere
men that only last for days
talk like boomhower from king of the hill
Snow White dark dark dark blood red
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i smoked away all my hopes and dreams. I didnt remember how i used to bead, how i was inspired by everything. its all gone gone gone
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Figurine is taking over in the absence of Emily. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2009|01:25 pm] |
| [ | mind |
| |  rejected | ] |
| [ | music |
| | where i end and you begin- radiohead | ] |
it hurts more than i thought it would to find out
im not entirely surprised
because its waht the majority of them do
yet i still sit here crying wasted tears
quiet, unknown tears that will flow into the well i've already cried for
them
they will never be seen by anyone and existence will remain unknown
just like everything else i feel deep deep deep down
ill smile and kiss
but my heart is bleeding.
Figurine wishes to live again.
I'm up in the clouds
I'm up in the clouds
And I can't and I can't come down
I can watch and not take part
Where I end and where you start
Where you, you left me alone
You left me alone |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2009|01:01 pm] |
i don't know what to say
i get scared sometimes
fear fisted in my stomach, making me want to cry or puke
im not leaving leaving, don't freak me out
im jsut not going to be able to be ....nice?
selfish
no reason in particular
just visions of things that i can never have
nostalgia lingers on my nerves. |
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